Monday, July 23, 2018

Slag Valley Bullett #18

Special Scargill Cleansing Souvenir Issue!

With the announcement of a large ill equipped and poorly led force of Orks invading the Scargill Sector, this issue of the Slag Valley Bullett is devoted to aiding the war effort for our brave Astra Militarum recruits killing the heathen xenos on our behalf.


Moral Victory On Spasitor

By Cuckold Stranglethorpe IV
Foul xenos from what is colloquially known as Waaargh Gitsmasha, have been put to the sword on research station Spasitor. A large force of Orks battled troops from the Krablokistan 47th for control of the single settlement on the small planet. Despite taking severe casualties (including Commander Farg Woolstrop) enough damage was caused to force the xenos to flee off world and set their avaricious alien sights elsewhere. Miraculously Commander Woolstrop survived despite sustaining horrific burns. (sub)Commander Gilprect Von Staab has assumed command until commander Woolstrop sufficiently recovers. 


The Krablokistan 47th stand firm.



Orks Foolishly Destroy Their Own

By Spatch Puberty
Panicked Orks set off what is thought to be a thermonuclear device housed in a crudely made 'Morkanaut' vehicle during an attack on a vital protective outpost on asteroid ASQ456/32Z. The severely outnumbered garrison gave a fine account of themselves and were on the verge of a fine victory when the vindictive aliens detonated a device destroying the outpost and killing nearly all the defending guardsmen. A lone Leman Russ crew survived the attack and corporal Zammo Volester has be quoted as saying 'We had them Orks on the run for sure then they saw they were beaten and they let off a nuke! It wrecked the surveillance...er, Bastion so we couldn't snoop...er protect Imperial citizenry". 


Truly the deviousness of the foul alien is appalling!



Hive Primus Juve Wins Astra Militarum Scholarship

By Bespoke Kitchens
Lucky Fornication Gulch juve, Terry Fuddip has been awarded the singular honour of an Astra Militarum scholarship. Partially funded by the Slag Valley Bullett, Fuddip has been sent to Hive Primus Intergalactic Spaceport for immediate deployment to one of the Imperium's beautifully equipped training vessels so he can be sent somewhere to do the Emperors bidding by eradicating His enemies. Trooper Fuddip gave a brief interview before he was shipped out. "See I got this data text to say I'd won a recreational sump speeder, and then when I got there Commissar Moody told me it was being upgraded to full Astra Militarum membership. He told me I was very lucky as I fit the minimum mental acuity threshold to get in". Trooper Fuddip has agreed to send us updates of his exploits in upcoming issues.  


Commisar Moody, Terry Fuddip and recruitment sergeant Bluto Garsh shortly before Fuddip's wonderful new adventure.


Alien Plants Attack Necromundan 421st

By Pastor Pyranium Devout
The perfidy of aliens know no bounds, and this rule follows for their vile plant life! Whilst on xenos pacification duty in Sebastapol IV members of the Necromundan 421st were subjected to sustained plant attack by plants situated in the Garotter Mucus Forest in the equatorial jungles of the largest continent on the planet. An estimated 427 guardsmen achieved negligible martyrdom by botany in the first 3 days of active service. Sustained alien attacks are thought to have increased that number threefold. Xenobiologists have been sent to the area to assist in the general deforestation that needs to be accomplished to eradicate the native sentient species. Casualties although not overly high have met with criticism. Due to conflicting orders the Catachan 77th was deployed for urban search and destroy duties whereas the Necromundan 421st were put on jungle patrol. 


Foul Xenos plantlife.



Trooper Canto Bollofsky 'Still Alive'.

By Ludely Stange
Rumours regarding Canto Bollofsky's mortal condition were in doubt when a soon to be published Adeptus Administratum list of fallen heroes document states he has been killed by heretics/xenos on the third moon of Zenpher in the Colloqueal VII star system. A spokesman for the Administratum has said "it is a sad day for the Imperium when our heroes are slain wantonly by the violent acts of the impure". When the same spokesman was shown that the date on the document and the death date of trooper Bollofsky were both six lunar time orientation spans in the future, he became unavailable for comment. A servitor error is being blamed for the mix up. 


A recent pict of Canto Bollofsky (second from right).


 
Classifieds; Buxtone Crebstalker, Ricco Chunk and Aurelis Charga, all former employees of the Slag Valley Bullett will all be honoured by holding a charity underhive heretic and escaped pit slave shoot at 05.00; 12th day cycle of lunar period Maimuary. The is a 10 Throne Geld entrance fee and all proceeds go to the Astra Militarum Additional Munitions fund. Refreshments afterwards at the Bloodied Guardsmen Inn; Slag Valley. Bring you own ammunitions.

Subjects wanted; Do you have a minor non-heretical mutation? An extra toe or heightened olfactory senses? The Department of Human Augmentation  is looking for test subjects for non lethal battlefield simulations. Full genetic screening and competitive remuneration package available. All physical injuries will be repaired (where applicable). Contact Sergeant Bluto Garsh, Brokespine Avenue, Golgan's Pit. 

For Sale; genuine partially viable flak jackets worn by Astra Militarum heroes imported at great cost from various famed battlefront in the Eastern Fringe. Contact Derp Spiv, Five Exits Plaza, Slag Valley.

STOP PRESS! 

 To assist the Scargill war effort, Lord Helmawr has donated the 7th day rest cycle of all military suppliers and manufactoria employees for the forseeable future. Furthermore to ensure no Necromundan citizen feels marginalised because of their seemingly worthless contribution, they too will be required to forgo any rest periods until the invasion is thwarted.  Failure to comply is concidered an admission of heresy and  may result in Inquisitorial audits and/or edification.






1 comment:

  1. Dear Editors, Lord Helmawr's generous donation is a credit to him. His tireless work on behalf of the Emperor is exceptional. He fully deserves his recent three month vacation to the Barbarella Recreation World!

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