Sunday, April 9, 2017

Slag Valley Bullett #14

Vandals Expurged!

By Aurelia Charga
A group of anarchists, heretics or disgruntled imperial employees had to be restrained from vandalising 'The Emperor's Thumb', a semi popular object d'art situated by the civic centre in Fornication Gulch. Interrogator Jenna Pursuivant and members of Jenna's Jokers were at hand to stop the miscreants. Approximately 10 humans advanced towards the piece armed with guns and rudimentary defaecation devices. The Jokers, ever champions of the people engaged them using extreme prejudice. It is rumored that Spaz, a member of the Joker's died in the skirmish and several of the vandals were injured. Interrogator Pursuivant was not available to confirm or deny the fate of Spaz, as the warband had pressing business further uphive. Local walkway attendant, Gluesome Feng stated; "Some cackling maniacs capered towards the Thumb and before you know it them Jokers start blasting away at them. We get a lot of nutters round here since they put it up. It's the Adeptus Sanitorum lads I feel sorry for. They have to clean up the blood and cack and whatnot!".  

Two members of Jenna's Jokers protecting public property.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Slag Valley Bullett #13

Rebellion On Trotskigrad Quelled

By Pastor Pyranium Devout
The righteous population on the Imperial planet of Trotskigrad showed their devotion and loyalty when seditious rebels declared the planet separate from the Imperium and the Ecclesiarchy. The attempted coup was initially successful when the rebels (aided by off world military forces - possibly renegade Astartes) took control of the Imperial Governors palace, executing him and thousands of his staff and household troops. The now leaderless defence forces were facing annihilation but for the mobilization of some of the mining militia from the Diamondfields area to the south of the planet's capital Guevarraville. Aided by workers collectives and labour unions from the surrounding area many thousands of untrained but brave citizens took on the invaders.A savage pitched battle was fought with the fate of the planet at stake. Eventually the grit and bravery and the Emperor's blessing defeated the perfidious enemies of mankind. Hundreds were slain in the central plaza area of Guevarraville. The militia managed to commandeer a squadron of Leman Russ tanks to aid them against the rebels. It is believed that the off world allies contained huge dreadnaughtia and heavily armoured troops. Sadly the defeat of the rebels led to the destruction of most of what remained of the Planetary Defense Force. The loss of life around the plaza was severe but the rebels are believed to be wiped out and the handful of surviving renegades fled from Trotskigrad.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Slag Valley Bullett #12

Eldar Pirates attack!

By Aurelia Charga
The crew of the Folkvangr were attacked by pirates as they were going about their lawful business upon the Necromundan orbital auto trade facility recently. A vicious firefight ensued where several members of the crew were injured, including one fatality. Many of the Eldar pirates are thought to have been wounded in the exchange. It is thought the Folkvangr and it's cargo remained intact. There are growing concerns over the safety of these types of  facilities as their tolerance for xenos traders has lead to the call to expurge these establishments and return the trading to the Hives. 

The Navigator of the Folkvangr sees her Eldar enemy!
Faragi Moron chairman of U.K.I.P. (Underhive Knights Immolating the Proscribed) has gone on record to state that he is willing to send up some of his followers to the orbital facility to help out with security for "a small fee". Headcrusher, leader of The Sons Of Slagarthy has also declared his interest in "protecting mankind from the predations of filthy xenos scum!". The fate of the facility now hangs in the balance.

+++Barter Not The Lies Of Unscrupulous Traders+++

Friday, October 28, 2016

Slag Valley Bullett #11

Rogue Trader Attacked!

By Aurelia Charga

Once again, honest Imperial servants have been attacked by Xenos. This time it was the crew of the Fólkvangr, a Rogue Trader vessel  Their assailants were of alien origin but it remains vague who they were. The attack occurred in a remote auto loading bay while Fólkvangr was refuelling. Luckily the crew were on hostile environment drill (a common occurrence on Necromundan facilities) and we're prepared for unwanted incursions. It is believed the attack was opportunistic in nature and not premeditated. Cornelia Drachmann, captain of the Fólkvangr said "we were set upon by filthy xenon scum, shooting at us with abandon! It is my belief they were Genestealer in origin. One of them got in amongst us and took down two of my crew. Luckily we mobbed the beast and left it lying in a pool of its own ichor!". Drachmann went on to state "we were coming under heavy fire so we retreated to the ship". An Adeptus Sanitorum crew swept the area but found no evidence of the aliens. Interrogator Jenna Pursuivant who had only returned from a mission in the lower hive went on record to state she believed her mission was a distraction. The true motives of the aliens remain a disturbing puzzle. One thing is for certain, there are Imperium hating alien scum loose somewhere in Hive Primus and all citizens are advised to use extreme prejudice when dealing with non humans.

++Shoot First and let the Xenos be afraid+++

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Slag Valley Bullett #10

Skirmish Out In The Badlands

By Crippet Toe
An image obtained from Gil Spooge
A vicious gun battle took place out in the badlands, which in itself a common occurrence but rumors suggest that one group of were multi-armed mutant monstrosities or worse! The fact that these creatures had the misfortune to happen on a party of experienced mercenaries was a blessing from The Emperor. Upon further investigation, the mercenaries were identified as a company called The Robbers Militant. Amateur photographer Gil Spooge was out looking for interesting subjects in the badlands when he came upon a group of armed men. Before he could get away from them they opened fire on some other heavily disfigured humans approaching in the other direction. Spooge stated 'The mercs took up good firing positions whilst the freaks approached them'. 'A lot of bullets were flying so I kept my head down, managed to get a couple of good pics, 3 Throne Geld each?'. Close examination of the pictures show that many of the mutants had more than one arm and/or savage claws. Spooge also claimed that he had a pictured of an alien lifeform but after consulting with the Bullett's resident Xenos expert - Semper Excreedius - it is believed to be a clever forgery.

+++Tolerance is the vanity of the weak+++

Astropath Found In Embarrassing Circumstances

By Buxtone Crebstalker
Using dolls, staff members recreate
Drool and Slapp's possible actions.
Imperial Astropath Shilum Drool has been found safe and well in the 'chastisement' section of The Broken Promise, a well known den of iniquity run by lapsed Redemptionist Marthax Slapp. He had previously been reported as missing (Slag Valley Bullet #8). Slapp stated that Drool was held at The Promise until arrangements were made to settle his substancial 'entertainment' bill. Shilum Drool however stated he was being held against his will and was unable to contact other members of Astra Telepathica due to the large amounts of debilerants he was forced to take. Members of the Ecclesiarchy have announced an enquiry. "It is unclear at the moment whether Drool is the victim or the architect of this scandal" a spokeman for Adeptus Astra Telepathica has stated. "But a full and vigorous investigation will be held".

+++Insidious are the wiles of the sinful+++

Saturday, July 9, 2016

Slag Valley Bullett #9


Staff here at The Slag Valley Bullett have been informed that the newsslate in it's current format is to be expurged.  In an attempt to create a new more vibrant readership a new strategic plan is being forged by attracting more readers by publishing articles from other periodicals from Gholam Jhites media empire. Newer more vibrant advertisers are also being sought out. The management team here at Slag Valley vow that the quality of our reporting will remain high and that we will not be printing salacious articles for the titillation of the masses. In further news here at SVB are delighted to have purchased a motivation servitor to add a little of the Emperors wisdom to our articles. Welcome to MS56784/877#Q, long may he enthuse!
Yours Sincerely
Buxtone Crebstalker, Editor. 

Mutants Run Amok!

Syndicated by The Wheatmaker's News, Argle City, Nora
Written by Sput Tramsig

An image of the alarming mutant.
The good people of the village of Twowagons were treated to an awful ruckus when approximately 30 armed ruffians chose to enter into a shoot out amongst themselves shortly after dawn last week. A large number of mutants and abhumans were confronted by humans wearing garb that did not look like it was from the local area. All three groups were indiscriminate in their firing and Widow Glass had two slates damaged and a startled Oxrat. Goodwife Lilitha managed to photograph one of the mutants who seemed to be heavily mutated. "I do hope they don't come back to ravish us against our will!" she remarked. It is believed that there were two fatalities during the skirmish. No inhabitants of Twowagons were injured.  There has been a sharp increase in reported nightmares from women the the settlement and also male ED. An Ecclisiarchy investigation delegation has been dispatched.

+++++Martyrdom is it's own reward++++

Monday, May 9, 2016

Slag Valley Bullett #8

Inquisitorial Intervention!

By Ludley Stange
Image from authorised Servo Skull BNQ6694
Agents working for Inquisitor Skultis Droxxler was involved in a gunfight with as yet unknown assailants out in the badlands last week. A source close to the group has stated that Interrogator Jenna Persuivant's band were following a lead when another group thought to be criminals or void pirates attacked them. The Emperor's will was done as Chubbs a new recruit for the band retreived the dataslate whilst other members of the warband provided support. When the dust had settled the other group were beaten off leaving a dead abhuman in their wake and captured xenos. The xenos in question is now 'helping them with their inquiries' in a secure location uphive. A spokesperson for Jenna has stressed that consorting with aliens carry severe dangers not least of which is an inquisitorial audit. The search is now on to find the whereabouts of a large group of undocumented abhumans.