Thursday, April 16, 2020

The Kinnockian Periodical News


By Semper Excreedius (acting editor)
Following what appears to be a total lack of newsworthy occurances in the entirety of Hive Primus and having such dedicated reporters working here at the Bullett, we have decided to publish in full a copy of the Kinnockian Periodical News. We would like to assure our loyal readers that, our news team has vowed to redouble our efforts in hunting down news, and this current issue is not just a copyright infringement that due to the relative distances between Necromunda and Scargill,  it is unlikely to result in legal action. We would also like to state that this issue was definitely not the panicked result of a junior editor finding a copy of the Kinnockian in a waste receptacle at the spaceport.

Multiple Xenos Engagements

Tau getting humbled by PDF in Grimbling.

Following unsuccessful invasions by  Necrons, Tau, and Aeldari, members of the Planetary Defense Force (Kinnock region) are taking a well deserved breather. The attacks occured in  Scousehatton, Grimbling & Stoop respectively. Balto Krudditch commander of the force has gone on record to say that he is confident that despite 3 separate hostile forces attempted to attack and presumably enslave the good people of Scargill, his army will remain victorious. He also went on to say that "No stinking alien pervert is going to probe the Emperor fearing folk of Kinnock while there's breath in my body!". Despite there being considerable casualties in each engagement, including the legs of tank commander Revs Cantalope, sources close to the Adeptus Munitorum have praised Krudditch's results while still remaining within budget. It is believed that Krudditch himself has recommended that Revs Cantalope be fitted with hemp legs as "tank commanders don't do much walking anyway". Speculation abounds regarding the number of alien attacks in quick succession and why are they taking such an active interest in the region. Imperial Tarot Adepts are currently turning over cards to attempt to deduce where another attack is likely.
By Shamval Frasf Guild of Scriveners.

Necron Monolith 'Still dormant'

The so-called Necron Monolith
The xenos structure, named by esteemed xenobiologist Gubbals Gombii as 'Necron Monolith ' is continuing to cause an obstruction in the centre of Market Plaza in the market district of Kinnock. Several Scargill orbits have passed since Inquisitorial forces and unknown looters fought over the contents of said structure with violent results from within the structure. Also cause for concern is the large number of PDF units guarding the structure. Residents claim that due to the long term nature of the guard duties there has been a marked increase in 'lounging'. Locals also complain of the increase in litter and the additional expense of paying 'protection tithes' during the hours of darkness. Another cause for concern is the large overtime expense caused by round the clock surveillance.
By Maklakk Fourch Guild of Scriveners

Chimera Surfing Craze Reaches Epidemic Proportions

Chimera surfing in Stoop recently.
Leaked Astra Militarum documents have highlighted that there is a 4% rise in 'Chimera Surfing'. This worrying new trend was first sighted on Hemmerdale when several guardsmen were seen 'riding the iron donkey' as it is some times known. Since then engagements on Lernin Kerv, Bluescreen and Chapstick IV have been recorded. Recent engagements here on Scargill have been recorded and are of particular concern to Adeptus Mechanicus paint adepts. In a recent interview a member of the Ad Mech (who did not want to be named) has stated "The unruly human predisposition of stabilizing on the top of the blessed Chimera chassis is in direct negation of Imperial directive AM4589#CS37. This is resulting in a 2.785% increase in detergent use and a receptacle of Mars Own Lubricant and Sprocket Sanitiser lasts 3.123% less than this time 18.3 Scargill orbits ago. A report has been made to Astra Militarum forces and disciplinary measures will be made. All praise the Omnissiah!". A spokesman for Planetary Defence Force Kinnock region issued the following statement; It is believed that the habit is a show of eagerness that allows troopers to engage with the enemy with alacrity. This fervour although thoroughly commended is to be discouraged to reduce the cost of hull maintenance. Troopers observed 'hull surfing' will be flogged post combat. No excuses. Even for martyrdom.
By Dward Hitachie guild of Scriveners

Wigmaker Warehouse Raided

Popschmann's Hair Emporia has been dealt a blow by determined criminals. The entire stock of the Vanity Lane warehouse has been cleaned out by brazen scofflaws. Of particular concern is the entire stock of 'Pammie' super luxuriant hair apparel have been removed. These head accessories are highly sought after by toupee experts from many parts of Gremthorpe and can fetch high prices even in Collierie. This large theft is thought likely to cause a collapse in the second-hand wig market due to a glut of cheap high quality items. Adeptus Arbites have issued the following statement "Any citizen approached by individuals attempting to sell an untagged hairpiece should report it immediately to their nearest Arbites Precinct. Possession of stolen goods could lead to severe fines and possible electrolysis punishment.  Securicam® footage shows the thieves all appear to be wearing hideous bulbous masks to obfuscate their identities.
By Pomp Argulbal guild of Scriveners

Classifieds; For sale; Due to a recent career change large job lot of shovels and mining lamps are no longer required. Good prices! Contact Gusker Fu, Guild of Hollowers, Lumbago mine, Sulphurton, West Kinnock.

For sale; Magna-clamps, all sizes low prices. Will fit all domestic military boot styles. Part exchange for campaign rations possible. Contact Braga Shem, Guild of Mountebanks, New Market Plaza, Kinnock.

Monday, July 23, 2018

Slag Valley Bullett #18

Special Scargill Cleansing Souvenir Issue!

With the announcement of a large ill equipped and poorly led force of Orks invading the Scargill Sector, this issue of the Slag Valley Bullett is devoted to aiding the war effort for our brave Astra Militarum recruits killing the heathen xenos on our behalf.

Moral Victory On Spasitor

By Cuckold Stranglethorpe IV
Foul xenos from what is colloquially known as Waaargh Gitsmasha, have been put to the sword on research station Spasitor. A large force of Orks battled troops from the Krablokistan 47th for control of the single settlement on the small planet. Despite taking severe casualties (including Commander Farg Woolstrop) enough damage was caused to force the xenos to flee off world and set their avaricious alien sights elsewhere. Miraculously Commander Woolstrop survived despite sustaining horrific burns. (sub)Commander Gilprect Von Staab has assumed command until commander Woolstrop sufficiently recovers. 

The Krablokistan 47th stand firm.

Orks Foolishly Destroy Their Own

By Spatch Puberty
Panicked Orks set off what is thought to be a thermonuclear device housed in a crudely made 'Morkanaut' vehicle during an attack on a vital protective outpost on asteroid ASQ456/32Z. The severely outnumbered garrison gave a fine account of themselves and were on the verge of a fine victory when the vindictive aliens detonated a device destroying the outpost and killing nearly all the defending guardsmen. A lone Leman Russ crew survived the attack and corporal Zammo Volester has be quoted as saying 'We had them Orks on the run for sure then they saw they were beaten and they let off a nuke! It wrecked the, Bastion so we couldn't protect Imperial citizenry". 

Truly the deviousness of the foul alien is appalling!

Hive Primus Juve Wins Astra Militarum Scholarship

By Bespoke Kitchens
Lucky Fornication Gulch juve, Terry Fuddip has been awarded the singular honour of an Astra Militarum scholarship. Partially funded by the Slag Valley Bullett, Fuddip has been sent to Hive Primus Intergalactic Spaceport for immediate deployment to one of the Imperium's beautifully equipped training vessels so he can be sent somewhere to do the Emperors bidding by eradicating His enemies. Trooper Fuddip gave a brief interview before he was shipped out. "See I got this data text to say I'd won a recreational sump speeder, and then when I got there Commissar Moody told me it was being upgraded to full Astra Militarum membership. He told me I was very lucky as I fit the minimum mental acuity threshold to get in". Trooper Fuddip has agreed to send us updates of his exploits in upcoming issues.  

Commisar Moody, Terry Fuddip and recruitment sergeant Bluto Garsh shortly before Fuddip's wonderful new adventure.

Alien Plants Attack Necromundan 421st

By Pastor Pyranium Devout
The perfidy of aliens know no bounds, and this rule follows for their vile plant life! Whilst on xenos pacification duty in Sebastapol IV members of the Necromundan 421st were subjected to sustained plant attack by plants situated in the Garotter Mucus Forest in the equatorial jungles of the largest continent on the planet. An estimated 427 guardsmen achieved negligible martyrdom by botany in the first 3 days of active service. Sustained alien attacks are thought to have increased that number threefold. Xenobiologists have been sent to the area to assist in the general deforestation that needs to be accomplished to eradicate the native sentient species. Casualties although not overly high have met with criticism. Due to conflicting orders the Catachan 77th was deployed for urban search and destroy duties whereas the Necromundan 421st were put on jungle patrol. 

Foul Xenos plantlife.

Trooper Canto Bollofsky 'Still Alive'.

By Ludely Stange
Rumours regarding Canto Bollofsky's mortal condition were in doubt when a soon to be published Adeptus Administratum list of fallen heroes document states he has been killed by heretics/xenos on the third moon of Zenpher in the Colloqueal VII star system. A spokesman for the Administratum has said "it is a sad day for the Imperium when our heroes are slain wantonly by the violent acts of the impure". When the same spokesman was shown that the date on the document and the death date of trooper Bollofsky were both six lunar time orientation spans in the future, he became unavailable for comment. A servitor error is being blamed for the mix up. 

A recent pict of Canto Bollofsky (second from right).

Classifieds; Buxtone Crebstalker, Ricco Chunk and Aurelis Charga, all former employees of the Slag Valley Bullett will all be honoured by holding a charity underhive heretic and escaped pit slave shoot at 05.00; 12th day cycle of lunar period Maimuary. The is a 10 Throne Geld entrance fee and all proceeds go to the Astra Militarum Additional Munitions fund. Refreshments afterwards at the Bloodied Guardsmen Inn; Slag Valley. Bring you own ammunitions.

Subjects wanted; Do you have a minor non-heretical mutation? An extra toe or heightened olfactory senses? The Department of Human Augmentation  is looking for test subjects for non lethal battlefield simulations. Full genetic screening and competitive remuneration package available. All physical injuries will be repaired (where applicable). Contact Sergeant Bluto Garsh, Brokespine Avenue, Golgan's Pit. 

For Sale; genuine partially viable flak jackets worn by Astra Militarum heroes imported at great cost from various famed battlefront in the Eastern Fringe. Contact Derp Spiv, Five Exits Plaza, Slag Valley.


 To assist the Scargill war effort, Lord Helmawr has donated the 7th day rest cycle of all military suppliers and manufactoria employees for the forseeable future. Furthermore to ensure no Necromundan citizen feels marginalised because of their seemingly worthless contribution, they too will be required to forgo any rest periods until the invasion is thwarted.  Failure to comply is concidered an admission of heresy and  may result in Inquisitorial audits and/or edification.

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Slag Valley Bullett #17

Rouboutte Gullimann Destroyed!

By Semper Excreedius (acting Editor)
Following it's attempted desecration and subsequent relocation Slag Valley Bullett #14 The Emperor's Thumb was once again the focus of a conflict, this time loyal guardsmen from the Krablokistan 47th and 420th Suhnnydayl Shithawks battled what at first seemed to be Ultramarines led by their famous Primarch. Despite seemingly attacking one of the Imperium's greatest heroes, the Astra Militarum followed their orders and defeated the Ultramarine force intent on capturing 'The Emperor's Thumb'. During the exchange what was at first believed to be Rouboute Gullimann was killed by sustained battlecannon fire. After the battle it was accertained that it was not Gullimann but a cybernetic replicant of the Primarch and by that reasoning the Ultramarines were renegades intent on theft. Commander Ursakar Creed who was leading the 420th stated "The foul copy of our glorious Primarch is decommissioned! Long live the 420th! Cadia stands! Go on ya good ting!".

The Cloud of smoke denotes a non human aspect of Gullimann.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Slag Valley Bullett #16

Two Separate Xenos Invasions Thwarted!

By Spatch Puberty
In what seemed like a conspiracy of xenos evil two alien forces attacked a garrison on sleepy backwater planet Killa La' Neck in the Cyavunnh system twice in the one lunar cycle! The Krablokistan 47th infantry regiment aided by the Krablokistan 27th motorised armour division defeated a force of Tau shortly before being assailed by Tyranids. Many guardsmen were severely injured during the first attack but in what is a customary show of grit and endurance, the entire force managed to make it back into the field as soon as the second xenos force arrived. Thankfully, the Imperium's not-quite-finest won the day putting many alien life forms into a more passive state.

The brave soldiers of The Krablokistan 47th regiment battle foul xenos.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Slag Valley Bullett #15

Custody Battle 

Written By Cuckold Stranglethorpe IV
A small criminal processing tower was the scene of a bloody skirmish as xenos, aided and abetted by heretics attempted to free a  human member of The Greater Profit - alien 'traders' who have been thwarting the governance of this sector recently. Members of Jenna's Jokers, a local Inquisition Cell who never seem to be out of the news of late were guarding a prisoner when stealthy xenos scum attacked them from close range injuring three of them very quickly. The timely arrival of the rest of the Jokers prevented unspeakable alien rituals being carried out on the fallen heroes and managed to inflict damage on the attackers. The aliens managed to free their traitorous companion but were forced to flee due to the resolve of Interrogator Pursuivant's warband. 

Sadly the security camera skulls were set to 'blurry aged sepia tones', making identification of these xenos loving heretics virtually impossible.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Slag Valley Bullett #14

Vandals Expurged!

By Aurelia Charga
A group of anarchists, heretics or disgruntled imperial employees had to be restrained from vandalising 'The Emperor's Thumb', a semi popular object d'art situated by the civic centre in Fornication Gulch. Interrogator Jenna Pursuivant and members of Jenna's Jokers were at hand to stop the miscreants. Approximately 10 humans advanced towards the piece armed with guns and rudimentary defaecation devices. The Jokers, ever champions of the people engaged them using extreme prejudice. It is rumored that Spaz, a member of the Joker's died in the skirmish and several of the vandals were injured. Interrogator Pursuivant was not available to confirm or deny the fate of Spaz, as the warband had pressing business further uphive. Local walkway attendant, Gluesome Feng stated; "Some cackling maniacs capered towards the Thumb and before you know it them Jokers start blasting away at them. We get a lot of nutters round here since they put it up. It's the Adeptus Sanitorum lads I feel sorry for. They have to clean up the blood and cack and whatnot!".  

Two members of Jenna's Jokers protecting public property.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Slag Valley Bullett #13

Rebellion On Trotskigrad Quelled

By Pastor Pyranium Devout
The righteous population on the Imperial planet of Trotskigrad showed their devotion and loyalty when seditious rebels declared the planet separate from the Imperium and the Ecclesiarchy. The attempted coup was initially successful when the rebels (aided by off world military forces - possibly renegade Astartes) took control of the Imperial Governors palace, executing him and thousands of his staff and household troops. The now leaderless defence forces were facing annihilation but for the mobilization of some of the mining militia from the Diamondfields area to the south of the planet's capital Guevarraville. Aided by workers collectives and labour unions from the surrounding area many thousands of untrained but brave citizens took on the invaders.A savage pitched battle was fought with the fate of the planet at stake. Eventually the grit and bravery and the Emperor's blessing defeated the perfidious enemies of mankind. Hundreds were slain in the central plaza area of Guevarraville. The militia managed to commandeer a squadron of Leman Russ tanks to aid them against the rebels. It is believed that the off world allies contained huge dreadnaughtia and heavily armoured troops. Sadly the defeat of the rebels led to the destruction of most of what remained of the Planetary Defense Force. The loss of life around the plaza was severe but the rebels are believed to be wiped out and the handful of surviving renegades fled from Trotskigrad.

The Kinnockian Periodical News

Editorial By Semper Excreedius (acting editor) Following what appears to be a total lack of newsworthy occurances in the entirety o...