Sunday, April 9, 2017

Slag Valley Bullett #14

Vandals Expurged!

By Aurelia Charga
A group of anarchists, heretics or disgruntled imperial employees had to be restrained from vandalising 'The Emperor's Thumb', a semi popular object d'art situated by the civic centre in Fornication Gulch. Interrogator Jenna Pursuivant and members of Jenna's Jokers were at hand to stop the miscreants. Approximately 10 humans advanced towards the piece armed with guns and rudimentary defaecation devices. The Jokers, ever champions of the people engaged them using extreme prejudice. It is rumored that Spaz, a member of the Joker's died in the skirmish and several of the vandals were injured. Interrogator Pursuivant was not available to confirm or deny the fate of Spaz, as the warband had pressing business further uphive. Local walkway attendant, Gluesome Feng stated; "Some cackling maniacs capered towards the Thumb and before you know it them Jokers start blasting away at them. We get a lot of nutters round here since they put it up. It's the Adeptus Sanitorum lads I feel sorry for. They have to clean up the blood and cack and whatnot!".  

Two members of Jenna's Jokers protecting public property.

+++The Emperor Bestows Upon Us The Gift Of Flaccitude+++

Criminality In Gout Alley

Barely had our Inquisitorial art protectors regained their collective breath then they were involved in another fracas in another part of the hive. As part of an imperial 'sting' operation a lightly protected vehicle with visible tech inside was left unattented in Gout Alley. Not one but two groups of would be robbers attempted to break into the APC. A vicious gunfight ensued and the two gangs attacked our brave group. The Joker's took heavy casualties and were forced to retreat, but not before causing damage to their enemies. A source close to the Jokers has indicated that both enemy groups are known to them and retribution is imminent. The Jokers have taken a prisoner who will be shortly be 'helping them with their inquiries'.  

Clumsey McFearsome, sanctioned abhuman tries to thwart the malcontents.
The 'sting' was thought o be an attempt to uncover an archeotech smuggling ring but of the two groups of assailants, neither seemed to fit the bill. At this time it is unclear what the relationship between the two groups are. Interrogator Pursuivant has vowed to get to the bottom of the mystery.

+++Fear The Mutant For He Brings Pettyness+++

The Emperor's Thumb Relocated

By Crippet Toe
The controversial art installation know as 'The Emperor's Thumb' has been relocated to an undisclosed site following widespread condemnation and religious zealotry. Shing Bulpetta wealthy art patron whom commissioned the installation has stated that the people of Fornication Gulch were not ready for such radical art that challenged society in such a forthright manner. The exhibit was very nearly stolen/damaged by persons unknown and only the timely intervention of an Inquisitorial warband stopped the attack. A persistent rumour claiming that there was an attempt to extort Throne Geld from Bulpetta has neither been confirmed or denied. 

Two Imperial citizens admire The Emperor's Thumb.
It is not clear where The Emperor's Thumb is going to be reinstalled but certain unnamed sources claims that the sculpture may not even be staying on this planet. If this is true, then members of the citizenry will surely cause an outcry and general misobedience will be blamed on this supposed human rights infraction.

+++Relocation Begets Heresey+++

Channel 87 Announces New 'Reality' Shows

By  Polac Greis ; Business Editor
Channel 87 executive Godalmin Prostate has announced some exciting new shows to coincide with the upcoming happy slapping season. Shows such as; Officio Assasinorum Makes Me LOL and Heretics Do The Funniest Things are both set to return and the brand new show called Buck Buckner Brawls In The Dark is thought to increase ratings. Also The Search For Bizzarro, A Lost Sentient Cat is tipped for some serious viewing numbers. 

An image from the upcoming blockbuster 'Captain Murder vs The Mutants' starring Lube Fontleroy.

There is also rumors of Lube Fontleroy - star of the Captain Murder series is planning a reality show in the Badlands called 'Don't Shoot I'm Famous!' where he will recruit mercenaries to fight it out against all comers down around Golgan's Pit and the surrounding areas using live ammuntion. These rumours have sparked widespread condemnation in the locale as area residents claim that yet another band of heavily armed psychopaths are the last thing that is required. Headcrusher, leader of The Sons Of Slagarchy a 'freelance security group' has stated that he is more that willing to 'teach this jumped up little ponce' about the dangers of the underhive.

+++Cleansing Flame Kills Germs+++

Apology. In the last issue of Slag Valley Bullett it was stated that Purgative Jessop and Astralogikal Jomes were to engage in a Guilder sponsored trial by wombat. This is in fact untrue, the Guilders have declared a trial by combat. Apologies for any confusion caused.

Situations vacant; Following corporate restructuring, an experienced banner bearer seeks gainful employment. No banner too explicit or religiously questionable. Has own pole. Contact Dosatron Milliput, Warm Corpse Street, Slag Valley.


  1. I am pleased to see the Slag Valley Bullet condemning the heresy of those who would oppose the Thumb. A new art-appreciation cult has grown up around it on my level, and I for one am planning to join.

    - A No-Longer-Once-Again-Angry Reader (Level MMDCXLIV)

    1. Dear No-Longer-Once-Again-Angry Reader (Level MMDCXLIV),
      We at the Slag Valley Bullett office are indeed pleased to hear that you are channeling your recreational interludes into something constructive. You may also find addition inspiration from Crippet Toe's informational piece 'How to determine art from worthless heretical daubings'. It should be available in most worthy indoctrination centres.

      - Morally Superior Print Servitor

  2. Splendid stuff! :) I clearly need to follow this more closely. I love your writing and modeling both.

    1. Thanks very much, your blog is one of my favourites.