Friday, June 16, 2017

Slag Valley Bullett #15

Custody Battle 

Written By Cuckold Stranglethorpe IV
A small criminal processing tower was the scene of a bloody skirmish as xenos, aided and abetted by heretics attempted to free a  human member of The Greater Profit - alien 'traders' who have been thwarting the governance of this sector recently. Members of Jenna's Jokers, a local Inquisition Cell who never seem to be out of the news of late were guarding a prisoner when stealthy xenos scum attacked them from close range injuring three of them very quickly. The timely arrival of the rest of the Jokers prevented unspeakable alien rituals being carried out on the fallen heroes and managed to inflict damage on the attackers. The aliens managed to free their traitorous companion but were forced to flee due to the resolve of Interrogator Pursuivant's warband. 

Sadly the security camera skulls were set to 'blurry aged sepia tones', making identification of these xenos loving heretics virtually impossible.

Despite sustaining heavy losses Interogator Pursuivant was 'confident' that the next time she comes into contact with members of The Greater Profit, there will be "hell to pay!". 

+++A Xenos Fondler and it's worthless soul are easily separated+++

Tidy Sector Competition

Written By Ludeley Stange
In an effort to reduce worker malcompliance and indolence Lord Helmawrr (or more likely one of his many underlings) has devised a plan to improve Manufactorum morale by fostering an air of inclusion and camaraderie by holding a tidy sector competition. During each seven day cycle two day rest period citizens are requested that they forgo their normal recreational activities and engage in repainting and tidy up in their sectors. Judges from some of the noble houses will then travel the lower hive to determine which sector will win the soon to be coveted Tidy Sector Trophy. Although voluntary donation of time is expected, a leaked dataslate indicates that untidy areas are to be presumed to be harbouring heretics, mutants and anarchists, and will be dealt with accordingly.

+++Ask Not What The Wealthy Overprivileged Can Do For You+++

Utility Survival Vehicle Armoured Rear Hatch Sale

Written By Polac Greis ; Business Editor
Following a recent policy change, Guilders have announced a Utility Survival Vehicle Armoured Rear Hatch Sale. Just bring your Utility Survival Vehicle to Golem's Plaza in the centre of Fornication Gulch on 15th of Pollutantember open up the Armoured Rear Hatch and get rid of your unwanted items. There is a minor pitch fee payable to Derp Spiv on arrival. 

Many exotic items are expected to be available, from all over the sector, many at cut rate prices.
Spiv has announced there is space for around 50 Utility Survival Vehicles so it is important to arrive early if a pitch is required. There is even rumors that a recently uncovered collection of Mung vases  will be brought to the event for purchase. 

+++Expurgate The Rich! They Are Unclean!+++

Xeno Scatologist Symposium 

Written By Spatch Puberty
Authorities have announced a intergalactic Xeno Scatology Symposium to be held in Sector 97 shortly. The purpose is to ascertain weaknesses in hostile alien races by studying their waste matter in a bid to better understand their biology and feeding habits.  It is thought that up to 250 Xeno-scatologists and 30 metric tonnes of alien waste will descend upon Sector 97's Dreggs Auditorium. 

The first shipment of Togblasta Beast dung arrives overseen by civic officials. 

The news of the Symposium has met with mixed feelings. Wailum Sofitty - owner of Sofitty's Boarding House & Armoury has stated that bookings are up 50% on last year and he has had to install more bunks in his establishment to try to cope with demand. Not everyone is as pleased however as Gaxwell Shart ex-Imperial Guardsman and now Adeptus Sanitorium worker has stated "Fragging Alien Pap?! Really? A good bayoneting is how you learn about Xenos. Not by poking around in their business. If you ask me them boffins need a bit of time clearing up radioactive mutant dung, then they won't be so fond of the stuff!". The debate is set to rage on for some time to come.

+++Xenos Faecal Matter Matters!+++

Noble House In Xenos Attack

Written By Crippet Toe
A recent visit to Hive Primus by a noble family from Hel - a planet in neighbouring Perdition system nearly ended in disaster. The purpose of the visit was to discus trade treaties with an as yet undisclosed house but it ended in bloodshed when Eldar Void Pirates attacked them and the party had to defend themselves whilst docked at an independent deep space trade facility.  

Two members of the delegation from Hel were captured by infra vision cameras at the facility, inflicting the Emperor's justice on the Xenos.
The outcome of the attack left a single Xenos dead, after close examination it is thought that the casualty was their pilot so it is believed that the pirates are stranded in system until they can obtain a new one. A large reward has been offered by the facilities owners as well as the Noble house in question. One thing is certain, the pirates days would appear to be numbered!

+++Thrjfu ghhyt@#44 12Ftun**"+++

Classifieds: Male 36, seeks female (or similar) for relationship and  possible procreation. Definitely not for religious sacrifice . Contact Bundy Dahlmer Sacrificial Row, Scourgelands.

Desperately Seeking Spaz? J Pursuivant is eager to find missing warband member Spaz. Last seen battling heretics in the vicinity of the Emperor's Thumb prior to it's removal. Reward offered for his safe return. Data Retrieval Box 67325, Slag Valley.

Wanted: New motivation Servitor, this one's knackered. Bespoke Kitchens, Commerce Block 3, Castigation Row, Slag Valley. 


  1. Thank you for your advice about visiting an indoctrination center. Upon doing so, I promptly had my mind expurgated by a former commissar of the Necromundan 8th. I am truly thankful for this. Until recently, I had questioned why Lord Helmawrr had so much while I, here in Grenfell Gulch, had so little. I must also admit having been tempted by J.G. Korbin's heretical speeches about the disparities with the hive. I now realize, however, that, as you say, I should not ask what the wealthy overprivileged can do for me, but instead ask what I can do to make it easier for him to look at the hab units of those as despicable as I.

    - A Newly Devout and Unquestioning Reader (Level MMDCXLIV)

  2. Dear Newly Devout and Unquestioning Reader (Level MMDCXLIV),

    Your newly expressed devotion to your betters is, although barely acknowledged or even appreciated by them, more in keeping with The Emperor's grand plan. It would be better for you to ignore the heretical nonsense spouted by J.G.Korbin as he is long overdue an Inquisitorial audit and these things can quite often result in regrettable casualties.
    Ecclesiarchy Remote Surveillance Centre