Monday, October 2, 2017

Slag Valley Bullett #16

Two Separate Xenos Invasions Thwarted!

By Spatch Puberty
In what seemed like a conspiracy of xenos evil two alien forces attacked a garrison on sleepy backwater planet Killa La' Neck in the Cyavunnh system twice in the one lunar cycle! The Krablokistan 47th infantry regiment aided by the Krablokistan 27th motorised armour division defeated a force of Tau shortly before being assailed by Tyranids. Many guardsmen were severely injured during the first attack but in what is a customary show of grit and endurance, the entire force managed to make it back into the field as soon as the second xenos force arrived. Thankfully, the Imperium's not-quite-finest won the day putting many alien life forms into a more passive state.


The brave soldiers of The Krablokistan 47th regiment battle foul xenos.




Worthy of particular commendation was the crew of vehicle KRBLKXIII a Chimera variant commonly known as a Bane Wolf, who caused high casualties among the invaders prior to it's destruction.  Thankfully enough of KRBLKXIII remained to be repaired and put back into active combat duty. The crew are believed to be deceased, cause of death chemical poisoning.

Trooper Canto Bollofsky Is Alive!

By Bespoke Kitchens
Nearly three planetary orbits later trooper Canto Bollofsky of the Necromundan 819th infantry regiment thought to have died on Bishop's World (Slag Valley Bullett #2) has turned up alive and well still fighting the enemies of mankind. In what is thought to be an Adeptus Administratum error trooper Bollofsky survived an encounter with a dreadnaught and was redeployed to the Krablokistan 47th regiment stationed on nearby Killa La' Neck. It is here that his reputation was further enhanced after surviving an encounter with Tyranid Hive Tyrant, living to tell the tale. 


Trooper Bolofsky (second from right) with other members of the Krablokistan 47th. 


Following the revelation of Bollofsky's return, several individuals in the Ecclesiarchy have declared it a miracle. Adeptus Administratum sources however, have stated an investigation into Bollofsky's apparent reincarnation and how he managed to get himself into the 47th is ongoing. Hero or fraudster, only time will tell.

Motivation Servitor In Toner Massacre

By Semper Excreedius (acting Editor)
Tragedy struck the Slag Valley Bullett office last week when motivation servitor MS56784/877#Q suffered a catastrophic lobotomy software failure and subsequently going on a homicidal rampage through the building damaging property and reducing the overall efficiency of the SVB due to the untimely execution of several staff members including Buxtone Crebstalker (editor), Ricco Chunk and Aurelis Charga. It is believed that the software issue caused the servitor to have several inactive sections of the brain (mainly the memory and decision making parts) to activate. As print servitors are generally unarmed it is of note that all staff members were killed by toner poisoning and blunt force trauma. The whereabouts of the malfunctioning servitor is unknown but Semper Excreedius former xenos adviser and now  temporary editor has offered a reward to anyone who can reveal the location of the errant asset.


Imperial Guard Rebranding 'A Con'

By  Polac Greis ; Business Editor
Several Imperial Guard veteran groups have slammed the recent re-branding of the force to Adeptus Astra Militarium as 'a con'  to swindle millions of retired troops out of their pensions forcing them to re enlist  or face poverty.  A spokesman for the Adeptus Astra Militarium press office has rubbished the rumors saying no retired ex-Guardsmen will receive any less in their pensions following the re-branding. When asked why the move was necessary as The Imperial Guard has been in existence for many centuries, the spokesman replied "it is to protect our intellectual property as several Planetary Defence Forces were using our name with proper licencing".


Some Imperial Guardsmen yesterday.


One vocal critic of the rebranding is  Gaxwell Shart a 20 year veteran of the Necromundan 309th regiment. Now a Adeptus Sanitorum employee he stated "Them bean counters in the Administratum had better not try to pull a fast one with this Astra Militarum shite. If they think they can dodge payin' me, me pension that I worked fraggin' 'ard to get by changin' the name of me army they can think on. I didn't wade through kilometres of xenos innards and lose nine toes to foot blight just to get ripped off by some noncom who doesn't know the difference between their arse and a hole in the ground. You mark my words, there will be trouble!". 


Adeptus Administratum Error Ends In Carnage

 By Cuckold Stranglethorpe IV
Reports are coming in following skirmishes between Astra Militarum forces and Sisters Of Battle on the agricultural world of Hemmerdale in the Wilkes system. The attack was perpetrated by Sorritas troops upon Astra Militarum soldiers during routine reconnaissance maneuvers near the settlement of Amos. The attack is believed to be caused by identical mission orders that were issued to both forces simultaneously to capture the settlement. It is believed that Saint Celestine was involved in the attack.  Official sources blame a 'communicom spirit' that possessed the vox of both forces leading to the hostilities. They have flatly denied incompetence and The Convent Of The Vengeful Scold attacking the Astra Militarum force as a 'publicity stunt'.


Aerial view of the hostilities from Amos' security spire.

Persistent rumours are circulating that the attack was triggered by Cannoness Margit Requiteful 'not liking the look' of (sub)Commander Bolshoy Bartlet who was second in command in the Astra Militarum force. Senior echelons of Astra Militarum High Command (Hemmerdale Division) have stated; An enquiry has been ordered to determine blame and apportion edification. 

Classifieds; Wanted individuals who are willing to share personal memories or memorabilia pertaining to Canto Bollofsky. Spiritual rewards and moral dispensations in exchange for items. Contact: Arch Deacon Cilicus Flame, Church Of The Steepled Martyr, Acid Spillage Lane, Scourgefields.


Situations vacant; following a recent tragic mine collapse, Gamma Corp are seeking workers for their Cobaltium excavation in Sector 31. Full training provided with excellent death in service benefits.  Resistance to Cobaltium poisoning an advantage. Contact Burggo Shark, Gamma Corp Recruitment, Obscurus Boulevard, Fornication Gulch.


Following a recent Servitor mind collapse, The Slag Valley Bullett is seeking to replace several employees who were casualties of said collapse. Currently looking for reporters, heretic and/or mutant expert and security personnel. Send your CV to Hoop Magtrap, Human Resources Slag Valley Bullett, Commerce Block 3, Castigation Row, Slag Valley. 


4 comments:

  1. Dear Editor,
    surely the easiest way to fix the Bollofsky problem is to kill him. Then the Administratum records will be correct.
    Yours, Administratum Clerk.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Administratum Clerk,
    There are many readers of The Slag Valley Bullett who do not see this Bollofsky problem as a problem at all. Indeed, his continued existence sells copies of said publication. However, the galaxy is a dangerous place and if another Imperial Martyr is created during it's glorious conflicts then rest assured that we here at the SVB will report on it and lament his passing with perhaps an extended Canto Bollofsky Souvenir Issue.
    Regards
    Semper Excreedius (acting Editor0.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear Editor,

    It was with great pleasure that I read your paper's story on the rebranding of the Imperial Guard. It is to be hoped that your paper will continue this line of investigation and uncover the truth behind the propaganda.

    Also, let me express my condolences to you and your staff at the loss of your fellows and the damage to your equipment. It is to be sincerely hoped that your enterprise will recover quickly, as there are many of us on the frontier that rely on your services for critical information about worlds more coreward than our own.

    Sincerely,
    A Loyal Reader from the Tartarus Rim

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Loyal Reader from the Tartarus Rim,
      Thank you for your words of encouragement and condolences, they are most welcome at this time. The Imperial Guard rebranding is top of our agenda (along with Bizzarro the sentient cat's disappearance and Grox baiting) and fully intend to get to the bottom of it. We are indeed delighted to find that our publication reaches such far flung colonies and will endeavour to maintain our high standards of journalism.
      Regards
      Semper Excreedius (acting Editor).

      Delete