Monday, May 9, 2016

Slag Valley Bullett #8

Inquisitorial Intervention!

By Ludley Stange
Image from authorised Servo Skull BNQ6694
Agents working for Inquisitor Skultis Droxxler was involved in a gunfight with as yet unknown assailants out in the badlands last week. A source close to the group has stated that Interrogator Jenna Persuivant's band were following a lead when another group thought to be criminals or void pirates attacked them. The Emperor's will was done as Chubbs a new recruit for the band retreived the dataslate whilst other members of the warband provided support. When the dust had settled the other group were beaten off leaving a dead abhuman in their wake and captured xenos. The xenos in question is now 'helping them with their inquiries' in a secure location uphive. A spokesperson for Jenna has stressed that consorting with aliens carry severe dangers not least of which is an inquisitorial audit. The search is now on to find the whereabouts of a large group of undocumented abhumans.

Embarrassment At Sinner's Pit

By Crippet Toe
Paxtor Milum
House Cawdor was once again left with synthetic egg on their face when there was another security breach in their Maximim Security Penitorum known as Sinner's Pit. Once again the breakout needed outside help as six inmates escaped. Details are sketchy at the moment but it is thought that due to 'frugality in the staffing rota' inmates were not adequately supervised during religious indoctrination classes held in the Edificarium. Escapees include 3 Wyrds, a House Cawdor heretic, transgendered Goliath Shlub Knocker and Embezzler Paxtor Milum. Seven members of Penitorum staff were injured and two other were killed by falling plascrete when part of the wall was destroyed by heavy weaponry. Gulka Silice, press officer for the Penitorum has publicly stated that 'outside influences are seeking to undermine the good name House Cawdor has in discipline' and when the culprits are found they will 'find the Emperors wrath is a blessing compared to that of House Cawdor'.

 Images of those who committed the escape. 

Anyone sighting these individuals should contact Gulka Silice, Sinner's Pit Maximum Security Penitorum , Sinner's Pit. A spiritual reward is being offered for information leading to the capture of these individuals.

Botanical Warfare in The Hive

By Aurelis Charga
Some Spiker Plants
Several new species of hostile flora have been reported around the area of Choker's Dome. Most alarming of these are Spiker plants. These highly dangerous creatures have the unfortunate ability to introduce Spiker venom into a host causing delirium until the venom/seed pod causes fatal trauma and another plant it created. Residents are advised to avoid the outskirts of Choker's Dome until an Adeptus Sanitorum squad is deployed to neutralise the threat. One local, Blusch Mollified - a retired slime salesman has blamed the rumored aphrodisiac properties of Spiker venom as a possible reason for the plants appearance downhive. "When I was a juve, they used to ship Spiker venom in for the carnally retarded. Now it seems they're growing it here!". An Ecclesiarchy delegation has announced an inquiry.

The Plague of Abhumans Continues

By Pastor Pyranium Devout
Following the ejection of Abhuman Squats from the vicinity one local business has suffered the depredations of a number of ratlings. Local trader Burgu Chunce has lost over a hundred credits worth of fortified slime & fungoid wine. He claims "some posh geezer comes in looking for directions and while I tells 'im where to go, these ratty fraggers nick loads of me stuff! I din't actually see them but they seemed a lot fatter going out.". Unconfirmed rumours claim that Jenna Pursuivant's group were involved in a fracas with a number of individuals of which several ratlings were present. Concerned locals are patrolling settlements with height sticks - if your height is not within official Imperial guidelines then on the spot edification is meted out. Headcrusher - leader of The Sons Of Slagarchy has volunteered to go on an abhuman hunt "for the good of the community". 

Astropath Kidnapped?

By Cuckold Stranglethorpe IV
Shilum Drool
Mystery surrounds the whereabouts of Astropath Shilum Drool after his staff and manbag were found in an alley behind The Last Breath - an alleged den of iniquity owned Gasper Bland. What Drool was doing in this part of the underhive when he was more likely to be found in the upper regions of the hive is unclear. One eyewitness who refused to be named stated that Drool was last seen in the company of two female patrons of The Last Breath walking out through the side entrance. An investigation has been launched by the Enforcers.

Celebrity Cat Missing

By Ricco Chunk
Bizzaro the Cat.
Bizarro the celebrity feline believed to have the ability to implant suggestions in her owners has disappeared. Critics believe this is merely a publicity stunt to bring Bizarro back into the limelight after the disastrous third series of My Pet Controls Me was cancelled. Iglok Nonce and his wife Murgo have offered a substantial reward for her return. Critics have stated that Bizzaro has very little screen presence and that shows like Grucko The Cursing Squirrel and  When Hounds Collide are far better entertainment. When approached, a senior member of the Enforcers was heard to say "I have enough trouble keeping mutants and heretics from burning down the Hive. I have little time and less interest in finding that thrice accursed feline!". 

Classified Ads

Bullet wounds? Broken bones? Severed arms? We can rebuild you! Keen prices. Contact Farbio Bole on Martyrs Lane, Fornication Gulch.

Genuine Spiker plant antidote, some minor side effects. No refunds. Contact Derp Spiv, Five Exits Plaza, Choker's Dome.

If you would like to advertise in the Slag Valley Bullett contact Polac Greiss, Comerce Block 3, Castigation Row, Slag Valley. 

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