Saturday, July 9, 2016

Slag Valley Bullett #9

Editorial

Staff here at The Slag Valley Bullett have been informed that the newsslate in it's current format is to be expurged.  In an attempt to create a new more vibrant readership a new strategic plan is being forged by attracting more readers by publishing articles from other periodicals from Gholam Jhites media empire. Newer more vibrant advertisers are also being sought out. The management team here at Slag Valley vow that the quality of our reporting will remain high and that we will not be printing salacious articles for the titillation of the masses. In further news here at SVB are delighted to have purchased a motivation servitor to add a little of the Emperors wisdom to our articles. Welcome to MS56784/877#Q, long may he enthuse!
Yours Sincerely
Buxtone Crebstalker, Editor. 

Mutants Run Amok!

Syndicated by The Wheatmaker's News, Argle City, Nora
Written by Sput Tramsig


An image of the alarming mutant.
The good people of the village of Twowagons were treated to an awful ruckus when approximately 30 armed ruffians chose to enter into a shoot out amongst themselves shortly after dawn last week. A large number of mutants and abhumans were confronted by humans wearing garb that did not look like it was from the local area. All three groups were indiscriminate in their firing and Widow Glass had two slates damaged and a startled Oxrat. Goodwife Lilitha managed to photograph one of the mutants who seemed to be heavily mutated. "I do hope they don't come back to ravish us against our will!" she remarked. It is believed that there were two fatalities during the skirmish. No inhabitants of Twowagons were injured.  There has been a sharp increase in reported nightmares from women the the settlement and also male ED. An Ecclisiarchy investigation delegation has been dispatched.


+++++Martyrdom is it's own reward++++

Slavers Sighted, Vandalism Ensues

By Pastor Pyranium Devout
Infamous slaver Gaspod Cursse and his band of scavvy henchmen have once again been seen, this time skulking around Jubilation Quarry last week. It is thought they are looking for fresh victims. Enforcer sources have stated that extra patrols will be mounted but the best defence is avoiding the area completely. Local juve rehabilitation organisers are openly critical of this advice as "cooping juves up could lead to even bigger problems".
Hasbro Narkie's place of business
As if to emphasise the point a member of the public, Hasbro Narkie an honest herbal medicine provider - pointed out to this reporter the rise in graffiti related crime in the area since the news story broke regarding the slavers. "A couple or three years down the mines would soon knock the vandalism out of 'em!". He then goes on to show this reporter the desecration of his property, and in particular the message scrawled on his Mr Chuffy Metholator. It says 'Meth Cooker Lives Here!'. Mr Narkie states that he has never cooked 'Meth' or any other exillerants. "If I catch the little sneckers, they'll wish Cursse did get them!


++++An idle youth serves the heretic++++

Warehouse Raided!

By Aurelis Charga
A warehouse belonging to a wealthy Slazenger trading consortium was the scene of a break in and gunfight between what was rumoured to be Imperial agents and members of an as yet unnamed Noble house security team with ties to Slazenger. It is unclear whether the Imperial agents were acting on the orders of superiors, or 'freelancing'. Local Adeptus Sanitarium worker Gaxwell Shart was interviewed near the scene. He said "There was a fair bit of blood inside the storage facility. Seems there was quite a bit of a set to in there! I got the stink of abhuman in there too. ". Shart, an ex Imperial Guardsman with over 20 years experience fighting the enemies of mankind was openly dismissive of the raid. "It was obviously mounted by amateurs judging by the amount of spent shell casings, needlessly wasteful shooting. It wouldn't have happened in my day! Imperial doctrine. Shoot once, bayonet twice!".


++++Question not the servants of the Emperor++++

Ambushed At Syzlak's

By Ricco Chunk.
Syzlack's Pukerie
An Imperial Guard kill team were ambushed by an Eldar group outside the establishment known as Syzlack's Pukerie. Details are vague at the moment but it is thought that the team was on furlow hence their unpreparedness. Three members of the team were injured including the team's leader Duke Nukem. It is thought that the attack is an act of revenge on one or more members of the group as it unlikely the aliens would accidentally find their way to the lower parts of Hive Primus and happen upon a  party of soldiers who had just returned from active duty fighting Eldar Void Pirates. What is more worrying is that they have access to
Image by Cheapcam
the hive at all. A spokesperson for the United Knights Immolating the Proscribed, or UKIP, Faragi Moron, has called for a designated anti alien taskforce to be permanently stationed here. He has also called for the expulsion (or preferrably the execution) of all non human residents on Necromunda. Critics of Moron say he has made a fortune in Throne Geld through the exploitation of the ignorant. There are even persistent rumours that he has a harem of Xenos pleasure pods.

++++Bury the Xenos, his words are false++++


Coffin Dodgers Win One At Last!

By Dag Uterous; Sports Editor
The dodgers on a sucessful drive.
The Coffin Dodgers losing streak came to an abrupt end last night in a resounding win against the Black Chapel Blitzers. In a game marked by the Dodgers now customary foul play, the Blitzers injured players nearly outnumbered the fit ones. Two Dodgers players were sent off -one in each half, but even this wasn't enough to stem the tide. The Dodgers fans were also thought responsible for the pitch invasion when the Blitzers were due to receive the ball. The undoubted MVP of the game for the Dodgers was Enkidu Fleshscoffer with his pass completion, two touch downs and a crippling injury to a Blitzer lineman, he had the perfect game. In the post match press conference head coach Edrof The Eternally Unliving stated that he was sorry that the fans only saw two fatalities in the game. It is thought neither Lucius Eyesocket nor Gangrene Greg will face disciplinary charges following the deaths.


++++Recreation is the breeding ground of sloth++++

Classified

Would you like you Imperial Tarot read? Mistress Serendipitous is offering a full divination at very reasonable rates. Contact Derp Spiv, Five Exits Plaza, Choker's Dome.


Obituaries

Jenna Persuivant is saddened to announce the passing of Acolyte Ensign 23, and Acolyte Shawty 32. Both died in the service of the Emperor against perfidious enemies of mankind. They will be avenged. 

4 comments:

  1. "United Knights Immolating the Proscribed, or UKIP" = Ha, nice one :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Rumour has it, there is going to be a militant wing going underhive. :)

    ReplyDelete