Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Slag Valley Bullett #13

Rebellion On Trotskigrad Quelled

By Pastor Pyranium Devout
The righteous population on the Imperial planet of Trotskigrad showed their devotion and loyalty when seditious rebels declared the planet separate from the Imperium and the Ecclesiarchy. The attempted coup was initially successful when the rebels (aided by off world military forces - possibly renegade Astartes) took control of the Imperial Governors palace, executing him and thousands of his staff and household troops. The now leaderless defence forces were facing annihilation but for the mobilization of some of the mining militia from the Diamondfields area to the south of the planet's capital Guevarraville. Aided by workers collectives and labour unions from the surrounding area many thousands of untrained but brave citizens took on the invaders.A savage pitched battle was fought with the fate of the planet at stake. Eventually the grit and bravery and the Emperor's blessing defeated the perfidious enemies of mankind. Hundreds were slain in the central plaza area of Guevarraville. The militia managed to commandeer a squadron of Leman Russ tanks to aid them against the rebels. It is believed that the off world allies contained huge dreadnaughtia and heavily armoured troops. Sadly the defeat of the rebels led to the destruction of most of what remained of the Planetary Defense Force. The loss of life around the plaza was severe but the rebels are believed to be wiped out and the handful of surviving renegades fled from Trotskigrad.

Many decent citizens of the Imperium took up arms to protect Imperial property. Here we see several employees of what is thought to be the mechanised truck spraying company Valet-U-Luv, defending the route to the paint depot. In the background workers from Exxon's Steroidium have picked up fallen PDF weaponry and give the Emperor's vengeance to the invaders.

Here we can see some of the workers and patrons of Kung Fu Joe's Imperial Defence & Live Gronk Eaterie bolstering the defence as the Valet-U-Luv boys go to town on their much larger adversaries. Due to the virtual annihilation of the administrative division of the government, Hack Spungold, most senior surviving member of the Woolbat shearing union has taken over the day to day running of Trotskigrad until further notice. Spungold was quick to state the bravery of the common people in their heroism and hopes that a suitable candidate for the governorship can be appointed from the loyal people of Trotskigrad.

+++Seek Justice From Within The Emperor Will Not Forgive+++

Attempted Kidnapping (Sort Of) Foiled

By Aurelia Charga
Some of the dignitaries of Hive Septus were involved in an attempted kidnapping over the festival of The Martyrs Birth. Preacher Quisley Tiberculosis and quartermaster Jocksie Shpock were both forced to hide in separate hab buildings as to groups of armed assailants attempted to spirit both of them away for reasons unknown. Preacher Tiberculosis managed to avoid detection completely despite the building he was cowering in being ransacked by a three armed mutant monstrosity. Quisley said "This monster seemed as intent on destroying the contents of the building as finding me!". He went on "It seemed to have very little clue how to find me. I was hiding in the latrine and this thing went past it twice.". Shpock however was not as fortunate as he was discovered by a alien who attempted to spirit him away for something called 'the greater good'. Before the quartermaster was taken the other group of armed fighters drove off the xenos. Only the timely intervention of a squad of Arbites saved both of them from unknown horrors. Shpock is now undergoing xenos decontamination procedures and Tiberculosis is currently on administrative leave.

Jocksie Shpock & Quisley Tiberculosis shortly after being rescued.
Rumours that Shpock was subject to a light probing is at this time unconfirmed. The Ecclesiarchy have launched an enquiry. Some are referring to the enquiry as a counter-probe.

+++Xenos Can serve The Emperor or Not+++

Reunited At Last

By Spatch Puberty
It's a rare day in the Slag Valley office that we get to cover a good news story but today we can. Purgative Jessop, semi-professional bystander and prospector has been reunited with Bessie his Sump Mule. Bessie went missing nearly two Necromundan orbits ago Slag Valley Bullett #2. It was originally thought that Bessie had been taken by members of the Tomb Doggers scavvy clan, but now it seems these fears were unfounded. Where Bessie was remains a mystery as when she returned she had some extra baggage. Jessop explained "just yesterweek Bessie shows up at my hab. Laden with stuff on 'er back that I don't remember 'er 'avin'. A Astrate 'elmet, bloodbowl ball, binoculars to name a few bits". He went on "She also 'ad anuvver 'ed an' a lot more scales than I remember. An' a diffrent leg too!". It is believed that Bessie may have been exposed to chemical waste out in the badlands which goes some of the way to explaining her radical change of appearance.

Purgative Jessop (left), Bessie (centre)
Another theory has been put forward, Astralogikal Jomes, rival prospector to Jessop has claimed that Bessie, is in fact Jessie, his very own sump mule that went missing a quarter of an orbit ago. He has been quoted as saying "that thieving worm herder stole Jessie right up in front of my nose! All I was doing was paying a visit to Madame Fung's to relieve some tension like, and when I got out, Jessie was gone!". Purgative Jessop has strenuously denied this claim and it is thought that a Guilder trial by wombat may be invoked.

+++Know Thine Place beast of burden+++

Ancient Xenos Menace Uncovered

by Ludley Stange
The peaceful mining planet of Scargill was the centre of unwanted Xenos attention recently when Imperial Agents uncovered a large piece of alien technology when it erupted in the centre of Kinnock, a settlement in the steel network mining belt. Initial probes by PDF troops met with acceptable casualties but it was thought alien tech specialists were required. An Ordos Xenos team was deployed to neutralise the threat. Unconfirmed reports state that a second group also entered the item. The alien vehicle was severely damaged but Imperial forces were beaten back by alien reinforcements. A security cordon has been set up until more effective ordinance can be deployed to end the threat.

Valiant Imperial warriors attempt to destroy the alien abomination!
It is thought that the underfunding of the PDF forces in Scargill coupled with excavating without fully operational xenos detectors hampered the  defenses of the populace according to local mining and militia leaders. Thatcher Magz Governor of Scargill has gone on record to state that a lack of resolve and faith in The Emperor is to blame. The Ecclesiarchy have announced that an enquiry is imminent.

+++Ware the poking unto the darkness underground+++

Want to meet new people? Travel to exotic places? Destroy alien scum in the name of The Emperor? Then a career in the Imperial Guard is for you. Now recruiting for the liberation of Chapstick VIII and Obscurus Obscures.  Go to your local recruitment centre for more information and a free medical.

Discount Food!
 Due to an administrative error leading to an overstock of Stinkfish, Walach's House of Bloodied Meat has announced a special discount for the first seven day cycles of the lunar time period of Feudruary. Just order the flambeed Stinkfish Risotto and receive a complimentary side order of fried Stinkfish bladders absolutely free! While stocks last! For further information contact Blud Walach, Walach's House of Bloodied Meat, Offal Street, Fornication Gulch


Interrogator Jenna Pursuivant is angered to announce the untimely demise of Acolyte Chubbs, a member of the Inquisition Cell known as Jenna's Jokers. Chubby met his end battling foul Xenos on the mining planet of Scargill. Another member of the war band, Acolyte Hellion had this to say about him "Chubbs wasn'T the greatest fighter in the group, or the brightest, or even the toughest, but by the Holy Foot of Dorn he could run like the clappers! Of course, if he hadn't ran into those xenos he'd still be with us".


  1. Dear Print Servitor,

    I am most appreciative of your mention of the Right Honourable Thatcher Magz, Governor of Scargill, her name be praised. However I must express dismay. Am I to take it that the Slag Valley Bullet takes the heretical position that the Blood Bowl world is within our own universe? I have in my possession an official, replacement page of the Encyclopedia Lexicanicus that clearly states that previous mention of the Warhammer World existing within our universe, which I dutifully destroyed, never occurred. Next you'll be telling me there used to be squats too, before the Holy Imperium ethnically cleansed them... you heretics!

    - A Once-Again-Angry Reader (Level MMDCXLIV)

  2. Dear Once-Again-Angry Reader (Level MMDCXLIV),
    Thank you again for your continued patronage of The Slag Valley Bullett. However, this print servitor (and indeed every other servitor - print or otherwise - in the office) is confused by your comment regarding the heretical position of Bloodbowl existing in this universe. Bloodbowl has,was, and ever will be something that has always existed in 'this' universe. Claiming that it doesn't when it clearly does is heresey! Whilst we at The Slag Valley Bullett do not want to lose a treasured reader we also do not want to see such reckless thoughts being espoused. We recommend you visit your nearest Sin-O-Matic edification kiosk to receive a minor reality adjustment without the need for an unpleasant Ecclsiarchy Sinful Thought Audit.

    -Morally Superior Print Servitor