Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Slag Valley Bullett #12

Eldar Pirates attack!

By Aurelia Charga
The crew of the Folkvangr were attacked by pirates as they were going about their lawful business upon the Necromundan orbital auto trade facility recently. A vicious firefight ensued where several members of the crew were injured, including one fatality. Many of the Eldar pirates are thought to have been wounded in the exchange. It is thought the Folkvangr and it's cargo remained intact. There are growing concerns over the safety of these types of  facilities as their tolerance for xenos traders has lead to the call to expurge these establishments and return the trading to the Hives. 


The Navigator of the Folkvangr sees her Eldar enemy!
Faragi Moron chairman of U.K.I.P. (Underhive Knights Immolating the Proscribed) has gone on record to state that he is willing to send up some of his followers to the orbital facility to help out with security for "a small fee". Headcrusher, leader of The Sons Of Slagarthy has also declared his interest in "protecting mankind from the predations of filthy xenos scum!". The fate of the facility now hangs in the balance.

+++Barter Not The Lies Of Unscrupulous Traders+++

New Easy Reader Edition

By Buxtone Crebstalker
Following recent focus group questionnaires, and a visit from legal servitor 890#BGM, the Slag Valley Bullett is changing it's format to larger fonts with bigger pictures to comply with Lord Helmawr's new Hive Education Policy. A recent survey of underhive literacy levels stated that 66% of the population could not read the small print on Imperial Edicts regarding drunkenness and debauchery. This figure rose to 81% when edicts regarding the discharging of firearms in residential areas were factored in. An independent commission returned with findings that larger print would lead to a decrease in fatalities and less antisocial behavior within settlements. It would also, it is believed, lead to more decrees being followed, and more witches and heretics correctly filling out self edification form PQ4532. Not everyone is in favour of this new initiative, Elggo Saggs owner of Saggs Sludge Canning situated in the lower part of Ossification Valley has gone on record to say "Your average citizen doesn't need to read and write well, it clogs up the brain and distracts them from doing their jobs properly". Others like documentalist Zepp Bulbous has said "What about my livelihood? If everyone reads and writes good then I'll be out of a job!". The debate continues...


+++Obey the Sage, not the Foolish+++

"I Had To Shoot My Friend To Save His Life"

Artists impression of xenos
By Crippet Toe
A member of the Robbers Militant has publicly told the story of how he had to shoot his fellow mercenary to save him from certain death at the claws of a ferocious alien beast recently. Elden, an abhuman of the ratling variety told this interviewer of the event. "We were on a routine don't-touch-the-merchandise mission when some bald geezers attacked us. Finwood an' Darius were shooting 'em up good an proper when this massive purple critter comes tearin' up the gantry to'ards us. It was movin' like the clappers and afore we knows it , the creature is beatin' Darius 'alf to death. E finishes with Darius and leaps on me buddy. Finwood looks ready to cark 'is kecks so I dos 'im a favour and shoot 'im off the gantry. The alien is so confused that 'e legs it.  True story. Of course Finwood is so grateful 'e gives me 'is favourite 'untin' rifle. Plus 'es got a crackin' scar in 'is leg, an that gets him attenshun from the birds too. Maybe 'e should gimme 'is silver soup tureen as well!". It is thought that the alien in question was a Genestealer and Finwood was indeed very luck to survive with just a bullet in his leg to show for a hand to hand encounter with one of the deadliest fighters in the galaxy. Our own resident Xenos expert Semper Excreedius has stated that the Genestealer threat is a minor one. "There are very few instances of imperial citizens reporting this type of attack. In fact, I am very doubtful that they even exist". He went on "The real menace in Necromundan society is the plague of abhumans! They're the ones we should be shooting on sight!". 


+++Tolerance is not really that bad+++



Astropath Redeployed Amidst Corruption Scandal

By Ludely Stange.
Following an Adeptus Astra Telepathica hearing, Astropath Shilum Drool has been charged with morale turpitude and dereliction of duty. Drool went missing and was found in The Broken Promise with hardly any garments and a large entertainment bill. To the surprise of many, he has been transferred to Krablokistan, in the Omendis system where he is thought to be deployed to Paraquat, a remote outpost on the planet. When questioned about Drool's new appointment the senior Astropath at his trial Guxxon Welcone stated that "Shilum Drool is a troubled soul, his talents need to be nurtured in a place more in keeping with his personality". Many residents of Slag Valley and Fornication Gulch were outraged by this lenient penalty. One bystander who did not wish to named said "When I missed half a week's work from Wildsnake poisoning I din't get a hollyday to a forn planet! It's not fair! Alls I got was a pasting from me missus and lost 3 weeks romancin' privelidges!".


Shilum Drool escorted from the Astra  Telepathica inquiry building.

+++Seek Not The Answers In The Stars+++

Interrogator Pursuivant In Cultural Exchange

Syndicated from The Midden Riot, Silaris Prime
By Silas Greeg,  
Security footage of incident.
The Inquisition warband led by Jenna Pursuivant was recently on Silaris Prime involving themselves in the local tradition of a 'scavhunt'. The resulting firefight left several of the Interrogator's warband with minor injuries and severe plasma burns to a member of a Rogue Trader crew. As is the tradition, the group who retrieves the 'gimme' - a small token representing the trader's favour from the arena - gets to exclusively barter with the most influential merchants here in The Midden. The losers get a light 'hazing' and are then escorted to their shuttle. The Interrogator's group lost but did so with ill concealed bad form, citing illegal psychic interference. Boggs Marulpent, umpire of the 'scavhunt' said "Dunno what they're on about. The Midden has a well known intolerance for cheating, almost as well known as our intolerance for nosy, snooping busybodies that shouldn't be within 10 light years of the good honest traders trying to make a living without getting burnt at the stake and whatnot!". 


+++The Inquisitive are Damned+++

Classifieds

Genuine Ash Waste souvenir replica shanty town rad counters. High quality merchandise, highly effective. Very cheap. 100% authentic. Contact Derp Spiv, Five Exits Plaza, Choker's Dome. 


Warning, not suitable for use in radiated areas.

Obituary

Cornelia Drachmann is saddened to announce the passing of Inga Danzigg 32, recently a crewperson of the Folkvangr trading vessel. Danzigg was the victim of a violent attack by Void Pirates of Eldar origin. Drachmann herself stated "Of all my crew she was one I did not actively wish to die. There I go getting all sappy again.". A memorial service will be held in the Chapel of the Cheapened Martyr, Scourgefields on the 15th of Novadismember.

4 comments:

  1. I am pleased to read Editions #11 and #12. All I ask now is that you report more on my spiritual leader (blessed be his name), Faragi Moron.

    - A No-longer-angry Reader

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear No Longer Angry Reader,
      We do indeed intend to investigate Faragi Moron further as shocking revelations have come to light regarding his alleged mutated foot and his failure to pay for his subscription to this very newspaper The Slag Valley Bullett.
      A Righteously Indignant Print Servitor.

      Delete
  2. I don't know why i haven't seen this blog before. Great stuff.
    ...and these old eyes appreciate the larger pictures

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Old eyes are commonplace in the readership of SVB. A common underhive saying "in the grim darkness of the 41st millenium, there aren't many opticians!".

      Delete