Friday, October 28, 2016

Slag Valley Bullett #11

Rogue Trader Attacked!

By Aurelia Charga

Once again, honest Imperial servants have been attacked by Xenos. This time it was the crew of the Fólkvangr, a Rogue Trader vessel  Their assailants were of alien origin but it remains vague who they were. The attack occurred in a remote auto loading bay while Fólkvangr was refuelling. Luckily the crew were on hostile environment drill (a common occurrence on Necromundan facilities) and we're prepared for unwanted incursions. It is believed the attack was opportunistic in nature and not premeditated. Cornelia Drachmann, captain of the Fólkvangr said "we were set upon by filthy xenon scum, shooting at us with abandon! It is my belief they were Genestealer in origin. One of them got in amongst us and took down two of my crew. Luckily we mobbed the beast and left it lying in a pool of its own ichor!". Drachmann went on to state "we were coming under heavy fire so we retreated to the ship". An Adeptus Sanitorum crew swept the area but found no evidence of the aliens. Interrogator Jenna Pursuivant who had only returned from a mission in the lower hive went on record to state she believed her mission was a distraction. The true motives of the aliens remain a disturbing puzzle. One thing is for certain, there are Imperium hating alien scum loose somewhere in Hive Primus and all citizens are advised to use extreme prejudice when dealing with non humans.

++Shoot First and let the Xenos be afraid+++



Gamma Corp Changed My Gender

By Spatch Puberty
Bangs several months ago.
Disciple Bangs of Jenna's Jokers has claimed that prolonged use of Gamma Corps Repleated Uridium ammuntion has radically altered her gender from female to something more masculine. R.U, is Gamma Corps marquee product as it's flawless rifling aid accuracy and with each shell discharge a small amount of Uridium which is said to improve concentration levels and at the same time provide ocular clarity - important improvements for a heavy weapon operator like Bangs. The Inquisitorial
Bangs Recently
warband member stated "I've been using R.U. for several months and I noticed a weight gain, and my physician tested my blood and my testosterone is through the roof!". A spokesman for Gamma Corp has nonsensed the claim stated that "There is absolutely no evidence that any of our quality products can do such a thing" and that Disciple Bangs was "pretty butch in the first place". It is thought that the member of the Inquisitorial retinue is seeking legal advice regarding slander and malpractice. If an Imperial audit is launched investigating Gamma Corps business practices then we could see the start of a long and possibly bloody trial of the
 management team.

+++Mercy is for the Indecisive+++


Lawlessness in Squat Downs

By Bespoke Kitchens
Ironburkinnson's Lockup
The mining settlement of Squat Downs has seen an increase in drunken disorder ever since Gottri Ironburkinsson of Ironburkisson & Sons gained licensing rights to produce intoxicating liquor for consumption within the settlement. Rumours that certain individuals are smuggling casks of Ole Fundament and Sudden Explosive to settlements outside the area, such as Scourgefields and Rat Warren has met with an increase in patrols by Lord Helmawr Collectors of Imperial Tithes. An official statement issued by Gottri Ironburkinsson declared that 'he deplores the illicit trade of debilitants such as Pidgin Gothic and Brain Slime but cannot be held responsible for the acts of criminal elements'. He also mentioned that blindness caused by Ole Fundament is generally temporary. Ironburkinsson went on to vehemently deny that any of his products can increase the chance of  mutation. Tithemen have declared that a reward of 50 Geld will be issued to information leading to the apprehension of these smugglers.

+++Ware the Abhuman and his temptations+++

Inept Xenos Farcical Theft Attempt

By Ludely Stange
The Robbers militant were once again involved in a skirmish with what may be the start of some
Image taken from Domecam #324
Xenos invasion. Whilst employed by an unnamed trading company to guard some merchandise, the Robbers were once more set upon by a group that they had attacked recently (Slag Valley Bullet #10). in what was thought to be a reprisal for the previous attack these possible Xenos attempted to capture the items from under the noses of the mercenary group. The timely arrival of the rest of the unit saw off the attackers, but it is thought that the main reason for the failure of the attack was a lack of ammunition. A brief initial burst of automatic weaponry was followed by the intruders attempting to rush the mercenaries with little or no covering fire. When questioned by this reporter, Gaston - leader of the Robbers Militant said "These creeps showed very little military nous. They were either ill equipped, badly led or just plain stupid!".  Our own Xenos authority - Semper Excreedius was not available for comment following a fall at his home last week. Get well soon Semper!


+++Rejoice in the many arms of salvation+++

The Emperor's Thumb Causes Outrage

By Cuckold Stranglethorpe IV
Some locals admiring the installation?
Local religious groups are outraged by the new art exhibition in Fornication Gulch's Civic Centre, hosted by wealthy patron of the arts Shing Bulpetta. The main bone of contention is an art installation by young sculptor from house Goliath, known only as Paint Monkey. It is called 'The Emperor's Thumb' and is a solid gold sculpture of the thumb of The Emperor. Paint Monkey has stated that it is to symbolise the joy of seeing The Emperor and his benevolence. Religious groups have slammed the sculpture as blasphemous and 'an affront to all right minded non heretics'. Worried holesteaders dwelling near the Civic Centre have voiced concerns over a religious backlash. One local, who did not wish to named said "I hope they move the statue before we're knee deep in Redeptionists and other maniacs!". A spokesperson for Bulpetta revealed that the installation is only temporary, and the sculpture will be "moved to a place where psychotic zealots can't harm it!". For the sake of the residents we can only hope this happens soon.


+++Even The Thumb Toe Of The Martyr Is Blessed+++

Heretics Abound!

By Pastor Pyranium Devout
Persuivant, Tefal & Greylocks last week
The Inquisitorial warband of Jenna Pursuivant have once again ridded the Underhive of heretics recently when they received a tip off that a cult of the ruinous powers were meeting in a secluded prosthetic manufactorium in Golgan's Pit last week. Several members of the cult were guarding what appeared to be a crate of esoteric artefacts. What made the encounter even more disturbing was the fact that not every member of the cult were human. Unconfirmed rumours abound that what was found down there can, and regularly does result in swift expurgation for any reporter foolish enough to repeat such. What can be confirmed is that the enemies of mankind were given The Emperors justice with sword and bullet. Acolyte Buxom has also been given the honorific "Hostbane". As a law abiding Imperial citizen this reporter has no idea what this means. Praise The Emperor!


+++Burn The Heretic and his Honeyed Lies+++



Classifieds

The Ammunition for the Elderly charity event will take place the entire lunar cycle of Decimurder. Bring along any unwanted ammo of weaponry so our senior citizens can defend themselves from heretics and mutants just like younger and more productive members of society. The venue, Old Migginses effluent plant, Rat Warren. Contact Jerdiniah Miggins Rat Warren. 



Cut Price Pack Slaves! Due to an influx on new specimens and an overstocked warehouse Pack Slave Heaven is offering a once in a lifetime offer. Buy two used pack slaves and receive a third free! Only healthy units sold. A number ex rental pit slaves are now in stock also. Contact Vestibule Carcass, Misery Lane, Slag Valley. 

2 comments:

  1. Please respond to allegations that the Slag Valley Bullet's having accepted advertising credits from Pack Slave Heaven is related to its neglecting to report on that firm's recent xenos scandal.

    - An Angry Reader

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Angry Reader,
    Pack Slave Heaven is a legitimate business that paid for its advertisement in full and with no under the counter 'bonus'. However if you have evidence to suggest otherwise then we will thoroughly investigate your wild accusations.
    A Blinged Up Print Servitor

    ReplyDelete