Slag Valley Bullett #22

 Slag Valley Welcomes New Enforcer Proctor

Beadiaii 

The Slag Valley Bullett staff are delighted to announce that Beadiaii Wormspag-Khandle has been appointed as the new Enforcer Proctor for the Slag Valley Precinct. Beadiaii is originally from Hive Quinitus and has spent 18 years wielding his power maul in the name of the Emperor. He comes from the respected Wormspag-Khandles family from Krablokistan that were partially deported from their homeworld on account of their over active fanatical devotion to the law. We asked for a statement Beadiaii Wormspag-Khandle said "I am very mush looking forward to meeting the good people of Slag Valley and it's surrounding settlements. I hope there will be very little call for me to deploy my power maul on it's populace. Unfortunately it is invariably necessary to set an example swiftly to ensure standards within the area don't slip, but rest assured any injuries inflicted will be non-malicious.". This will surely usher in a new era of lawfulness and adherence to civil ordnances and a vast decrease in unsanctioned protesting.  

New Mammal Consumption  Establishment Opened

Former outlaw and Bushwakker gang member 'Limpy the Loser' has opened an al fresco mammal consumption restaurant called Limpy's Diner. Limpy was a notorious enforcer for the Bushwakkers, so much so that the Psi Judges doubled the bounty for him several years ago Slag Valley Star #2. Since then, the former criminal has 'gone legal, like' and decided to make some honest credits. When interviewed he stated "I was on the run for a while, found a new purpose in working with unfortunates that had no grub and decided to help out by opening a cut price eaterie for the poor.". He went on "I hope to start a chain of Limpy's all over the hive, and who knows maybe even further afield!". What is also worth noting is that Limpy rehabilitates former gang fighters and general underhive scum by giving them gainful employment. A prime example is Little Nug former enforcer for the Short Fuses a fairly unsuccessful gang made up entirely of fighters under 122cms (4 Terran feet) who is now Limpy's head chef/bouncer. When interviewed he simply stated "I am delighted with the second chance I have been given. I certainly do not intend to go back to poisoning, that's definitely the wrong way to go!". The team here at SVB certainly wish the new eaterie every success in the future.

Bizzaro The Sentient Cat Spotted In Warzone

Recent unsubstantiated sightings of Bizarro the sentient cat have once again set his (?) fanbase into a frothing frenzy. Bizarro, was the star My Pet Controls Me on dodgy box channel 17 (Slag Vallet Bullett #8 ) and was later reported to be in the vicinity of Tarmac Hill and Waldo's Reconstituted Fish Parlour (Slag Valley Bullet #10 ). Now it is believed that the feline with the ability to mentally domineer Iglok and Murgo Nonce, has been seen on the planet Gruesome Discovery in the Scargill system. What is more remarkable he was sighted during a vile xenos raid that was resisted by astartes from the Blood Angel chapter of Space Marines. Sadly, despite said Blood Angels being the Emperor's finest, the xenos (thought to be Aeldari of some type) were victorious and a horrific bloodbath ensued. Following this revelation several questions have come to the fore; how did Bizzarro leave Necromunda unnoticed? Did Bizzarro play some part in the defeat of the Blood Angels? Most importantly, has the reward for Bizzaro's returned increased?

Spyre Hunters Denial

Several possibly mythical Spyre Hunters

Despite thousands of first hand accounts and many more gruesome murder scenes, a spokesperson for the Governance of Uphive Notions of Terrorism (G.U.N.T.) have hinted they are no longer willing to acknowledge the possibility of Spyre Hunters. Gaston De Flámbe has stated that G.U.N.T. are going to consider legal action if baseless claims continue to be levelled at the nobility. He stated "I'm  not really sure what the fuss is about. I don't think a few high spirited youngsters 'slumming it' downhive is really much of an issue. Surely the letting off of live ammunition that may accidentally cause inconsequential deaths isn't a big problem is it? To be honest I don't even think organised Spyre Hunts is anything other than a collective figment of the imagination or even an urban myth.", 

Classifieds; Wanted; access to interstellar craft capable of reaching Gruesome Discovery, Scargill system. As this is a rescue mission entirely funded by donations, payment will be made in congratulations and friendship. Contact Agatha Freep, Bizzaro The Sentient Cat Fan Club, Delusion Parade, Slag Valley.

Limpy's Diner aka The Dead Rat Eaterie would like to announce a 2 for 1 offer on all sludge shakes and a 15% discount on rat legs in promethium sauce. Limited to 3 per customer. Just head on over to Limpy's Diner, Cramps Lane, Slag Valley. 

Slag Valley Bullett #14

Vandals Expurged!

By Aurelia Charga

A group of anarchists, heretics or disgruntled imperial employees had to be restrained from vandalising 'The Emperor's Thumb', a semi popular object d'art situated by the civic centre in Fornication Gulch. Interrogator Jenna Pursuivant and members of Jenna's Jokers were at hand to stop the miscreants. Approximately 10 humans advanced towards the piece armed with guns and rudimentary defaecation devices. The Jokers, ever champions of the people engaged them using extreme prejudice. It is rumored that Spaz, a member of the Joker's died in the skirmish and several of the vandals were injured. Interrogator Pursuivant was not available to confirm or deny the fate of Spaz, as the warband had pressing business further uphive. Local walkway attendant, Gluesome Feng stated; "Some cackling maniacs capered towards the Thumb and before you know it them Jokers start blasting away at them. We get a lot of nutters round here since they put it up. It's the Adeptus Sanitorum lads I feel sorry for. They have to clean up the blood and cack and whatnot!".  

Two members of Jenna's Jokers protecting public property.

Slag Valley Bullett #10

Skirmish Out In The Badlands

By Crippet Toe

An image obtained from Gil Spooge

A vicious gun battle took place out in the badlands, which in itself a common occurrence but rumors suggest that one group of were multi-armed mutant monstrosities or worse! The fact that these creatures had the misfortune to happen on a party of experienced mercenaries was a blessing from The Emperor. Upon further investigation, the mercenaries were identified as a company called The Robbers Militant. Amateur photographer Gil Spooge was out looking for interesting subjects in the badlands when he came upon a group of armed men. Before he could get away from them they opened fire on some other heavily disfigured humans approaching in the other direction. Spooge stated 'The mercs took up good firing positions whilst the freaks approached them'. 'A lot of bullets were flying so I kept my head down, managed to get a couple of good pics, 3 Throne Geld each?'. Close examination of the pictures show that many of the mutants had more than one arm and/or savage claws. Spooge also claimed that he had a pictured of an alien lifeform but after consulting with the Bullett's resident Xenos expert - Semper Excreedius - it is believed to be a clever forgery.

+++Tolerance is the vanity of the weak+++

Astropath Found In Embarrassing Circumstances

By Buxtone Crebstalker

Using dolls, staff members recreate
Drool and Slapp's possible actions.

Imperial Astropath Shilum Drool has been found safe and well in the 'chastisement' section of The Broken Promise, a well known den of iniquity run by lapsed Redemptionist Marthax Slapp. He had previously been reported as missing (Slag Valley Bullet #8). Slapp stated that Drool was held at The Promise until arrangements were made to settle his substancial 'entertainment' bill. Shilum Drool however stated he was being held against his will and was unable to contact other members of Astra Telepathica due to the large amounts of debilerants he was forced to take. Members of the Ecclesiarchy have announced an enquiry. "It is unclear at the moment whether Drool is the victim or the architect of this scandal" a spokeman for Adeptus Astra Telepathica has stated. "But a full and vigorous investigation will be held".

+++Insidious are the wiles of the sinful+++