Slag Valley Bullett #23

 

Bad Boy Commissar Causes Stir

Braggs Vaingloire

Newly qualified Commissar  Braggs Vangloire has recently caused controversy due to his adoption of non-standard Imperial firearm. He is beleived to be using a hand flamer in preference to the standard bolt pistol or plasma pistol that our lauded Imperial protectors generally use. Amateur  Schola Progenium expert, Champs Gwan has stated that one of the most important duties of a Commissar is to persuade errant troops from making unauthorised tactical withdrawals, usually with said firearm. He went on to say "It is unthinkable that in this day and age a Commissar will attempt to halt a retreat by discharging his flamer into the air to attract attention, it doesn't even make any noise!". 

Lord Solar Leontus Impersonator Still At Large

The Imposter

A mounted man dressed in archaic military uniform entered the Slag Valley PDF recruitment compound, claiming to be Lord Solar Leontus, Supreme Commander of the Astra Militarum forces of Segmentum Solar. He appeared to be mounted on  a cybernetically augmented equine mammal he called 'Blossom'. The individual entered the compound and demanded to see the commanding officer. Murgo Plonmqvist facility spokesperson was sent to speak with the individual. Plonmqvist went on record to state "The said human demanded to see the barracks commander as he had some ideas for improvements to the place. When I asked the Lord High Commander of the Astra Militarum why he had arrived unannounced and without an official enourage, galloped away not before his beast left a sizeable mound of ordure to be cleaned up"' When asked how was it possible for the imposter to enter the compound so easily, Plonmqvist stated that there is currently a security review inquiry, and make no mistake, there are going to be shit-ton of floggings. The whereabouts of the impersonator remains unclear.

Brave Imperial Hero in Duel Controversey

Pict of the duel.

News of a brave Astra Militarum staff sergeant defeating an enemy champion in a ritualistic duel has reached us from exploritor force in the Grampus system. It is beleived that following weeks of trench warfare against the Bluurrg - a rather unpleasant human  eating xenos race - sergeant Balthrasar Zeke challenged the champion of the Bluurrg to a combat whereby the losing champion's armed forces must depart the system according to the Bluurrg's confusing customs. Once agreed the combat was set to take place in the no species land between both armies. In a strange twist of fate as the two combatants face off, the Bluurrg's champion - an enormous Mantic Abberration stepped on an anti-tank mine killing itself and thusly winning the war and Grampus system for the Imperium. Critics of the God Emperor's chosen champion might say that anti tank mines cant be set off by humans and the extrodinary weight of the Abberration  is adequate to set off such a mine leaving the combat unfair. Other critics might add that by a strange twist of fate Zeke chose the battleground knowing full well that the astra militarum had recently mined the area. A reporter was able to interview Balthrasar Zeke himself and was told he had 'totally forgot' that the area had been mined the day before. He went on to add "The Emperor protects, the filthy xenos effegy of a god doesn't. Case closed".

 

Terry Fuddip; Adventures in Space Part Two

By Private Terry Fuddip

Trooper Shantc

Greetings Necromunda! As per my contractual obligations here is my latest communication. Following last episodes update, we have been making contact with the indigenous aliens in an attempt to de-escalate the conflict. This is mainly done by finding their villages and putting them to the torch. They generally stop with all the aggression once they get a gutful of promethium and a bayonet in the snozz. So far we have 'pacified' three villages and a wizened old hermit that, come to think of it was human. We are getting some resistance to our great work from unexpected areas as there seems to be a giant wasp insurgency in addition to the lizardman situation. There have been a trooper kidnapped very little sign of a ransom. Of course, Commissar Graper says that communicating with foul xenos is not in trooper Shantc's best interest as him being martyred gives him eternal paradise within thousands of heavenly miles of the Golden Throne's eternal radiance. With that in mind we have all decided that even if we do find trooper Shantc's still living but paralysed body with giant wasp eggs eating him alive from the inside out, we will do him a favour and allow him a better martyrdom by leaving him to his Emperor-ordained fate. I am hoping to get my name down for special weapon training as it comes with additional corpse starch rations and a hefty bonus in throne geld. I must sign off now as we're getting additional cans of insect repellent to ward off the giant wasps and there is a training course that has to be completed before we are issued with them.   

Classifieds; Missing person. Lord Sebastapol Khran is looking for his troublesome cousin Burkefold Khran who is very dear to him. Also wanted is his Equine steed that has been misplaced. Reward offered, only if both beings are alive, Lord Sebastapol Khran c/o Shug Narstee, Narstee's Repos, Tollgather Street, Golgan's Pit.