Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Slag Valley Bullett #17

Rouboutte Gullimann Destroyed!

By Semper Excreedius (acting Editor)
Following it's attempted desecration and subsequent relocation Slag Valley Bullett #14 The Emperor's Thumb was once again the focus of a conflict, this time loyal guardsmen from the Krablokistan 47th and 420th Suhnnydayl Shithawks battled what at first seemed to be Ultramarines led by their famous Primarch. Despite seemingly attacking one of the Imperium's greatest heroes, the Astra Militarum followed their orders and defeated the Ultramarine force intent on capturing 'The Emperor's Thumb'. During the exchange what was at first believed to be Rouboute Gullimann was killed by sustained battlecannon fire. After the battle it was accertained that it was not Gullimann but a cybernetic replicant of the Primarch and by that reasoning the Ultramarines were renegades intent on theft. Commander Ursakar Creed who was leading the 420th stated "The foul copy of our glorious Primarch is decommissioned! Long live the 420th! Cadia stands! Go on ya good ting!".

The Cloud of smoke denotes a non human aspect of Gullimann.

The revelation brings more questions than answers. Who built this replica? Why were supposedly loyal Ultramarines following a replica? Lastly, why has Ursakar Creed managed to escape the destruction of Cadia and arrived halfway across the galaxy with the Shithawks? 

Purple Skin Tone Due To "Soylent Mauve"

By Bespoke Kitchens
A recent study of underhive inhabitants has noted the excessive number of citizens having a notable 'purple tinge' to their skin. What was first thought of as mutation is now being explained as a byproduct of eating 'Soylent Mauve Synthisticks'. The study, commissioned and funded by expert in genetics from the Bulsemite Institute Of Mollification Of The Ignorant have categorically stated that anyone seemingly human but with a purplish or mauve complexion has a 38% chance of not being dangerously homicidal alien. The Slag Valley Bullett's own resident xenos expert and acting editor Semper Excreedius has endorsed the claim and has been quoted as
Gorlak Zarrr
stating "the real threat comes from green and blue skins. Orks and Tau are the worst. Eldar too. The supposed Genestealer threat is overly hyped. I don't even believe they exist.". A spokesman for Soylent Mauve Gorlak Zarrr (pictured); has said that the additives in their products are completely safe for the general population and will cause mutation and/or transformation into xenos lifeforms in a tiny minority of cases.

Astra Militarum Lift Ban On Mascots

By Polac Greis - Business Editor
In an attempt to improve morale in some of the more rural Astra Militarum regiments, Imperial directive 4721/QMTBN has been rescinded. This means that individual regiments are once more allowed to be accompanied on campaigns by their mascots. The practice of naming a regiment after an indigenous animal from their home world is nothing new but now the regiment can now be accompanied into battle zones with said mascots. This can certainly improve moral of troopers and can provide added income for underhive trappers as good specimens can fetch fairly large sums from Adeptus Administratum coffers. Necromundan regiments stationed around various sectors can now apply for livestock redeployment and it is thought that in future new foundings will have regimental namesakes sent with them through basic training and beyond.

This Ulcadian Hoof Hound is the mascot of the 32nd regiment of the same name. 

Rebellion on Hemmerdale

By Cuckold Stranglethorpe IV
Disturbing reports are coming in of anarchic events on the Imperial planet Hemmerdale. Following last issues revelation concerning Adeptus Sorroritas attacking members of the Astra Militarum (Krablokistan 47th regiment) Slag Valley Bullett #16. It has come to light that members of the Ultramarines  chapter have also attacked the 47th led by Rouboute Gullimann. Tau have also been present on the planet as were renegade Astartes. It is also believed that Crimson Fist marines have also been involved and rumors involve them fighting on both sides as were the Ultramarines. 

Ultramarine troops can clearly be seen colluding with foul Tau xenos.
The recent instances of confused Astartes attacking loyal Imperial troops is not without precedent but the increasing frequency is a concern for Adeptus Administratum staff. The appearance of the vile Tau fighting alongside these Astartes is a concern for all good Imperial citizenry and one that should not be tolerated.

Xenos Hen Party Carnage

By Ludeley Stange
Several drinking and eating establishments were damaged when an apparent attack by female Eldar dressed in identical uniforms caused chaos and wanton destruction in the mainly Goliath run Vomit Kilometre area renowned for it's excessive behavior. It is believed that there are 24 confirmed casualties; Shivvy Arnold and Gole "The Burgermaker" Tonbridge, two well known Goliath bouncers are among them. What provoked the attack or even how the Eldar slipped into an out of the area so easily is a matter of serious conjecture. An unidentified source close to the Enforcers state that they are following a definite line of inquiry and "someone, guilty or otherwise will feel the wrath of Enforcer justice".

Xenos like these were allegedly involved in the attack.


Wanted; Live Necromundan Spine Whippet pups required. Good prices. Contact Sabion Blurt, Astra Militarum Underhive Aquisitions. Blessed Sacrifice Street, Slag Valley.

For Sale; Imperial Martyrs sticker albums. Following a recent crisis of faith in Fornication Gulch, a large number of Imperial Martyrs sticker albums are being sold at close to cost price. Contact Derp Spiv, Five Exits Plaza, Chokers Dome.

Citizens Against Xenos will be holding it's quarter-orbital meeting in the community hall next to The Chapel Of Egregiousness in Rack Street, Golgan's Pit. New members welcome. Fresh liquid and Soylent Mauve buns supplied.

1 comment:

  1. Is Creed meant to be an equivalent to Dustin the Turkey? 😂


Slag Valley Bullett #21

Caryatid Assassin 'On Loose'. Reports are coming in of an unaffiliated Caryatid in the Lower Skunkton hab ar...