Slag Valley Bullett #24

 Soylent Mauve PDF Crew Of The Lunar Cycle Award

During a recent preliminary round of the Soylent Mauve PDF Crew Of The Lunar Cycle Award - a largely unadvertised and, in the eyes of the Administratum - unimportant competition, a visiting crew from Krieg have won a posthumous award for the endurance section. For those unaware, Soylent Mauve - Hive Primus' favourite corpse startch substitute - conduct a competition featuring visiting PDF squads as a morale building exercise and a way of honoring our planetary defenders who were just not quite good enough to invade hostile planets and defend us there. The Krieg squad in question were given the simple task of enduring mild radiation exposure without rations in a part of the underhive known as Sludge Burn. The squad endured a total of 34 Terran days without complaint long after all other competitors had quit. When an official checked to see whether the squad had 'slacked off' he was amazed to see they had all elected to expire to attantion rather than admit weakness. Soylent Mauve official  Vux Winbatter declared they displayed great dedication and gumption to win the round so effectively. A memorial plaque is being installed on the Soylent Mauve head office wall and a promotional edition of Sotlent Mauve Powdered Krieg Bravery product has been announced. 

A recent image of Krieg soldiery. The actual picture of the competitors was considered 'unsuitable' for this publication.

Aarjas residents "sick of alien invaders!".

The residents of Necrovia, (which is incidentally twinned with Scourgefields) have formed a delegation to  appeal to the Planetary governor of Aarjas to provide extra security as a spate of xenos fighting forces have chosen to use the settlement to settle disputes and cause mayhem without taking into consideration the inhabitants. For those who are unaware, Aarjas was the location of a largely unreported but vital theatre of war involving many factions and a beleagered Imperial contigent. Sob Malankini, spokesperson for the newly formed Necrovia Against Revisting Cultures or NARC said "It started about 5 Terran lunar cycles ago when some skinny xenos and blue fishy lads started fighting down on St Murdo The Unappreciated Street. There was an awful ruckus!". He went on to say "Since then there has been robots (or some such) beating up on the PDF, weird baldy looking blokes fighting Astartes, smelly green marines duking it out with some other marines with dirty images sculpted onto their armour, and just last week the metalmen came back to have a go at some beaky yokes. It's exhausting!".  The main question this poses is why are so many alien invaders flocking to this settlement to combat each other? Is it to save money on domestic repair bills? Or are senior Aarjas officials providing tax incentives to invaders?  Whatever the reason the inhabitants of Necrovia will continue to pay the price for this inexplicable alien behavior.

Know Your Enemy; Devil Cabbage

Devil's Cabbage on Eros III

As a public service feature for this publication editor Semper Excreedius has created a new feature for public safety; Know Your Enemy. This week is Devil Cabbage. Some time in the Imperium's glorious past the planet of New Paradise was discovered. A vast arboreal world of endless plains filled with delicious plantlife and herds of docile mammals. One plant seemed to be dominant, called Sweetleaf, a green vegitable that grew swiftly and seemed to thrive in apparently barren areas. The Administratum (or whatever the name of the bureaucracy that governed such things back then) immediatly shipped hundreds of thousands of specimens to other planets to aid with the growing food shortages. Sadly, the mass exportation was premature and due dilligence was not adherred to. The main problem for Sweetleaf was it's reaction to alien soils and differing levels of nitrogen in the atmosphere. Once the tolerances of New Paradise were exceeded, Sweetleaf became an aggressive carnivorous plant. The central orifice of the plant reacted to create a rather powerful rudimentary jaw and the previously pliant sweetleaves became rigid fangs. Coupled with tendril like growths, Sweetleaf plants became a menace on dozens of Imperial planets. When encountered, it is advised to return the locale to a nitrogen level as close to New Paridise as possible, thus rendering the Sweetleaf docile.

New Adult Vidpic Controversy

New vidpic by eccentric director Salb Smurt has found himself in hot water as his new vidpic has caused an outcry by both racial purity, and mutant advocacy groups. The video in question is called "Mistress Xenoboblia's House of Horny Mutants".  Both groups have held violent protests outside Jankle Ooomjsm's Videodrome, causing minor disruption and leading to seven recorded fatalities. In an attempt to get the vid through local censorship groups the  advertising poster (see left) had been kept purposefully vague and instead of Horny, the word Horns was transposed to confound, in his words "small minded bigots". We are told the plot of the vid is two genetically pure juves attempt to get into Mistress Xenoboblia's establishment with a view to seeing the forbidden delights there. What follows is a comedy of errors as the juves attempt to sample the wares of the erotic business with hilarious results. Smurt himself has stated it is an allegory for today's society in the form of seeking temporal gratification for short lived pleasure at the expense of genetic observance. Vuck Simpuls spokesperson for the Slag Valley Society of Morality has gone on the record to say "It's a mucky movie about horny mutants and even hornier juves!". The controversy is bound to continue.

Soylent Mauve New Ad Campaign

Gorlak Zarrr, spokesman for Soylent Mauve has unveiled their latest product; Soylent Mauve, Liquid Soylent. It is believed to be a contender to take on Stinkfish Juice and Runny Corpse Starch in the underhive edible non solids market. Of particul note is the new trio of mascots for the product; Smirk, Bellow and Gripe who are sure to become household names in the near future. Critics have stated that the mascots are not genetically pure enough to be the face of their new ad campaign but Gorlak Zarrr has defended the move declaring that in the 41st millenium there should be a more inclusive society and it seems he is making a concerted effort to open up the mutant/abhuman market. This has caused quite a stir in the Scourgefields area and has led to a call for the boycotting/burning of Soylent Mauve products.

 Classifieds 

The newly formed Scourgefields Militant Evangelist Group (S.M.E.G.) are currently seeking new members who are tired of the desecent into depravity that is rife within the greater Slag Valley conurbation. Must bring their own cudgels. Contact Mole Vimschlagger, Brutalis Lane, Scourgefields. 

Join the Soylent Mauve Endorsement Gang! S.M.E.G, is the new club where you can meet other Soylent Mauve enthusiasts for fun and mutual safety. Discounted products available. Send 10 throne geld to 12a Hump Street, Slag Valley for you membership pack. No refunds.

 

Slag Valley Bullett #23

 

Bad Boy Commissar Causes Stir

Braggs Vaingloire

Newly qualified Commissar  Braggs Vangloire has recently caused controversy due to his adoption of non-standard Imperial firearm. He is beleived to be using a hand flamer in preference to the standard bolt pistol or plasma pistol that our lauded Imperial protectors generally use. Amateur  Schola Progenium expert, Champs Gwan has stated that one of the most important duties of a Commissar is to persuade errant troops from making unauthorised tactical withdrawals, usually with said firearm. He went on to say "It is unthinkable that in this day and age a Commissar will attempt to halt a retreat by discharging his flamer into the air to attract attention, it doesn't even make any noise!". 

STOP PRESS - EMERGENCY MEMO LEAK

Editorial

Following a tip off from a reputable source, our investigation team has gained access to a series of disturbing top secret documents showing our beloved Imperium in an altogether more sinister light. Now we at the Slag Valley Bullett do not condone unsubstanciated gossip, but these two official memos have to be shared!

 IMPERIUM OF MAN - ADEPTUS ADMINISTRATUM

OFFICE OF COMPLIANCE: D'KEDDES REGIMENT MEMORANDUM

To: Colonel Roger "Jolly" Ringveld , D'Keddes IV Regiment From: High-Preceptor Elias Morvane, Adeptus Administratum Compliance Division Date:  0084023.M423 Re: Inadvisable Consorting with Xenos

SUMMARY

Recent intelligence reports relayed to this office indicate a troubling trend regarding your command. It has come to our attention that troops in your regiment have engaged in unsanctioned and deviant contact with non-human females of an as-yet-unidentified xenos species. Furthermore, there are concerns that your lax oversight has contributed to this issue becoming widespread.

IMPLICATIONS

The Adeptus Administratum and our Holy Inquisition allies view this behaviour as a grave threat to Imperial purity and a potential source of heretical corruption. The Ordo Xenos has expressed interest in investigating this matter to ascertain the true nature of these xenos infiltrators.

1. Spiritual Contamination: Consorting with xenos breeds doubt and weakness of faith. The alien, especially in its female form, is a vector for insidious corruption, perverting the righteous souls of the Emperor's soldiers.
2. Biological Threat: Alien physiology may harbor unseen pathogens or insidious parasitic organisms capable of compromising even the hardiest Catachan constitution.
3. Tactical Vulnerability: Emotional attachment or, worse, deviant infatuation with xenos undermines battlefield clarity. Mercy granted to a foul alien is a betrayal of the Emperor.

CORRECTIVE MEASURES

1. Cessation of Contact: All interaction with this alien species is to cease immediately. Any instance of fraternization will be dealt with swiftly and severely.
2. Quarantine & Interrogation: Personnel suspected of contact with xenos females will be isolated and subjected to Inquisitorial scrutiny to determine the extent of any potential corruption.
3. Exemplary Punishment: Severe sanctions, up to and including summary execution, will be enforced to deter further violations. Your own compliance will be reviewed pending this ongoing investigation.

IMPERIAL REMINDER

The galaxy teems with xenos filth, Colonel. Your duty, as is the duty of all loyal Imperial servants, is to purge such abominations, not consort with them. Should further transgressions occur under your watch, the full weight of Imperial authority will be brought against you.

The Emperor Protects, High-Preceptor Elias Morvane (Dictated but not read)

Art servitor image (servitor was subsequently liquidated),

Slag Valley Bullett #22

 Slag Valley Welcomes New Enforcer Proctor

Beadiaii 

The Slag Valley Bullett staff are delighted to announce that Beadiaii Wormspag-Khandle has been appointed as the new Enforcer Proctor for the Slag Valley Precinct. Beadiaii is originally from Hive Quinitus and has spent 18 years wielding his power maul in the name of the Emperor. He comes from the respected Wormspag-Khandles family from Krablokistan that were partially deported from their homeworld on account of their over active fanatical devotion to the law. We asked for a statement Beadiaii Wormspag-Khandle said "I am very mush looking forward to meeting the good people of Slag Valley and it's surrounding settlements. I hope there will be very little call for me to deploy my power maul on it's populace. Unfortunately it is invariably necessary to set an example swiftly to ensure standards within the area don't slip, but rest assured any injuries inflicted will be non-malicious.". This will surely usher in a new era of lawfulness and adherence to civil ordnances and a vast decrease in unsanctioned protesting.  

New Mammal Consumption  Establishment Opened

Former outlaw and Bushwakker gang member 'Limpy the Loser' has opened an al fresco mammal consumption restaurant called Limpy's Diner. Limpy was a notorious enforcer for the Bushwakkers, so much so that the Psi Judges doubled the bounty for him several years ago Slag Valley Star #2. Since then, the former criminal has 'gone legal, like' and decided to make some honest credits. When interviewed he stated "I was on the run for a while, found a new purpose in working with unfortunates that had no grub and decided to help out by opening a cut price eaterie for the poor.". He went on "I hope to start a chain of Limpy's all over the hive, and who knows maybe even further afield!". What is also worth noting is that Limpy rehabilitates former gang fighters and general underhive scum by giving them gainful employment. A prime example is Little Nug former enforcer for the Short Fuses a fairly unsuccessful gang made up entirely of fighters under 122cms (4 Terran feet) who is now Limpy's head chef/bouncer. When interviewed he simply stated "I am delighted with the second chance I have been given. I certainly do not intend to go back to poisoning, that's definitely the wrong way to go!". The team here at SVB certainly wish the new eaterie every success in the future.

Bizzaro The Sentient Cat Spotted In Warzone

Recent unsubstantiated sightings of Bizarro the sentient cat have once again set his (?) fanbase into a frothing frenzy. Bizarro, was the star My Pet Controls Me on dodgy box channel 17 (Slag Vallet Bullett #8 ) and was later reported to be in the vicinity of Tarmac Hill and Waldo's Reconstituted Fish Parlour (Slag Valley Bullet #10 ). Now it is believed that the feline with the ability to mentally domineer Iglok and Murgo Nonce, has been seen on the planet Gruesome Discovery in the Scargill system. What is more remarkable he was sighted during a vile xenos raid that was resisted by astartes from the Blood Angel chapter of Space Marines. Sadly, despite said Blood Angels being the Emperor's finest, the xenos (thought to be Aeldari of some type) were victorious and a horrific bloodbath ensued. Following this revelation several questions have come to the fore; how did Bizzarro leave Necromunda unnoticed? Did Bizzarro play some part in the defeat of the Blood Angels? Most importantly, has the reward for Bizzaro's returned increased?

Spyre Hunters Denial

Several possibly mythical Spyre Hunters

Despite thousands of first hand accounts and many more gruesome murder scenes, a spokesperson for the Governance of Uphive Notions of Terrorism (G.U.N.T.) have hinted they are no longer willing to acknowledge the possibility of Spyre Hunters. Gaston De Flámbe has stated that G.U.N.T. are going to consider legal action if baseless claims continue to be levelled at the nobility. He stated "I'm  not really sure what the fuss is about. I don't think a few high spirited youngsters 'slumming it' downhive is really much of an issue. Surely the letting off of live ammunition that may accidentally cause inconsequential deaths isn't a big problem is it? To be honest I don't even think organised Spyre Hunts is anything other than a collective figment of the imagination or even an urban myth.", 

Classifieds; Wanted; access to interstellar craft capable of reaching Gruesome Discovery, Scargill system. As this is a rescue mission entirely funded by donations, payment will be made in congratulations and friendship. Contact Agatha Freep, Bizzaro The Sentient Cat Fan Club, Delusion Parade, Slag Valley.

Limpy's Diner aka The Dead Rat Eaterie would like to announce a 2 for 1 offer on all sludge shakes and a 15% discount on rat legs in promethium sauce. Limited to 3 per customer. Just head on over to Limpy's Diner, Cramps Lane, Slag Valley. 

Slag Valley Bullett #21

Caryatid Assassin 'On Loose'.

Reports are coming in of an unaffiliated Caryatid in the Lower Skunkton hab area going around shooting prominent members of the Underhive. As these native hive dwellers are invariably known to be peaceful, there is much debate as to whether the security camera footage is reliable or indeed if the being filmed is actually a Caryatid at all. Alleged victims of the diminutive winged possible murderer include, Sepsis Mulgoon proprietor of the Carpeted Anvil, a cubicle renovation business, and Turpiscicord Kakk, semi retired axe thrower and bassoon turner.  Local wildlife expert Beardie Specs does not believe that an errant Caryatid is to blame. "These wonderful creatures are peaceful and rarely even hiss at people. I suspect either some sort of small mutant is responsible, or even a mind control device is being used on it.". One thing is certain, until the being on the footage is apprehended, there will be more media hype leading to hysteria and innocent creatures being shot. 

Slag Valley Bullett #20

Abhuman Pit Fighter Causes Moral Dilemma

By Cuckold Stranglethorpe IV

Fans of the arena fights around Golgan's Pit are facing something of a moral quandary as a Squat newcomer is causing mixed feelings amongst spectators. The rookie fighter; Skargii "Grey" Headwallop has caused quite a stir since arriving in Bnoxxi Halfarm's fighting stable. Halfarm has be quoted as saying "Skargii's a good lad, eager to learn and has a great temperament. We had a bit of aggro with some spectators with anti Squat signs but after he accidentally decapitated a sign holder whilst signing autographs there seems to be fewer protests.". His recent bout against the much fancied Torgol Hammerknuckle ended in a TKO when Hammerknuckle failed to leave his corner when he could no longer field his arm.

Slag Valley Bullett #19

Mass Prison Breakout

By Spatch Puberty

Warrior Woman,Ox Fingers,Rocket Girl,Hero & Wheels.

Animal, Schaeffer, Shiv. Demolition Man, Brains & Scope.

 Military personnel have escaped from the infamous Niem Vat military prison raising embarrassing questions within the Planetary Defense Force leadership. A source close to the PDF office has stated that "At 19:72 hours a crack commando unit was sent to prison for a crime they claim they didn't commit. These men (and women) promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade and are believed to have reached the Lost Angles underground sewage network". The group were incarcerated for a variety of crimes from property damage to willfully discharging live ammunition at  targets feet. Incorrect stowing of Departmentum equipment has also been mentioned. The group all use pseudonyms all bar their leader Colonel Hannibal Schaeffer. The group is thought to be armed and extremely dangerous. The group is thought to have received assistance from the an unknown source. A statement from a Planetary Defence Force spokesman Murgo Plonmpqvist had this to say regarding the breakout "In my day, we dint let our criminals escape from the military, oh no! Hanging for first offence led to a 0% recidivism rate. Damn recidivists, giving the PDF a bad name". In an attempt by Imperial codifiers to adequately process the breakout status and subsequent captures the escapees have been assigned the code-name Team 'A'.