Saturday, December 25, 2021

Slag Valley Bullett #21

Caryatid Assassin 'On Loose'.

Reports are coming in of an unaffiliated Caryatid in the Lower Skunkton hab area going around shooting prominent members of the Underhive. As these native hive dwellers are invariably known to be peaceful, there is much debate as to whether the security camera footage is reliable or indeed if the being filmed is actually a Caryatid at all. Alleged victims of the diminutive winged possible murderer include, Sepsis Mulgoon proprietor of the Carpeted Anvil, a cubicle renovation business, and Turpiscicord Kakk, semi retired axe thrower and bassoon turner.  Local wildlife expert Beardie Specs does not believe that an errant Caryatid is to blame. "These wonderful creatures are peaceful and rarely even hiss at people. I suspect either some sort of small mutant is responsible, or even a mind control device is being used on it.". One thing is certain, until the being on the footage is apprehended, there will be more media hype leading to hysteria and innocent creatures being shot. 

Monday, December 14, 2020

Slag Valley Bullett #20

Abhuman Pit Fighter Causes Moral Dilemma

By Cuckold Stranglethorpe IV
Fans of the arena fights around Golgan's Pit are facing something of a moral quandary as a Squat newcomer is causing mixed feelings amongst spectators. The rookie fighter; Skargii "Grey" Headwallop has caused quite a stir since arriving in Bnoxxi Halfarm's fighting stable. Halfarm has be quoted as saying "Skargii's a good lad, eager to learn and has a great temperament. We had a bit of aggro with some spectators with anti Squat signs but after he accidentally decapitated a sign holder whilst signing autographs there seems to be fewer protests.". His recent bout against the much fancied Torgol Hammerknuckle ended in a TKO when Hammerknuckle failed to leave his corner when he could no longer field his arm.

Saturday, July 4, 2020

Slag Valley Bullett #19

Mass Prison Breakout

By Spatch Puberty
Warrior Woman,Ox Fingers,Rocket Girl,Hero & Wheels.

Animal, Schaeffer, Shiv. Demolition Man, Brains & Scope.
 Military personnel have escaped from the infamous Niem Vat military prison raising embarrassing questions within the Planetary Defense Force leadership. A source close to the PDF office has stated that "At 19:72 hours a crack commando unit was sent to prison for a crime they claim they didn't commit. These men (and women) promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade and are believed to have reached the Lost Angles underground sewage network". The group were incarcerated for a variety of crimes from property damage to willfully discharging live ammunition at  targets feet. Incorrect stowing of Departmentum equipment has also been mentioned. The group all use pseudonyms all bar their leader Colonel Hannibal Schaeffer. The group is thought to be armed and extremely dangerous. The group is thought to have received assistance from the an unknown source. A statement from a Planetary Defence Force spokesman Murgo Plonmpqvist had this to say regarding the breakout "In my day, we dint let our criminals escape from the military, oh no! Hanging for first offence led to a 0% recidivism rate. Damn recidivists, giving the PDF a bad name". In an attempt by Imperial codifiers to adequately process the breakout status and subsequent captures the escapees have been assigned the code-name Team 'A'.

Thursday, April 16, 2020

The Kinnockian Periodical News


By Semper Excreedius (acting editor)
Following what appears to be a total lack of newsworthy occurances in the entirety of Hive Primus and having such dedicated reporters working here at the Bullett, we have decided to publish in full a copy of the Kinnockian Periodical News. We would like to assure our loyal readers that, our news team has vowed to redouble our efforts in hunting down news, and this current issue is not just a copyright infringement that due to the relative distances between Necromunda and Scargill,  it is unlikely to result in legal action. We would also like to state that this issue was definitely not the panicked result of a junior editor finding a copy of the Kinnockian in a waste receptacle at the spaceport.

Monday, July 23, 2018

Slag Valley Bullett #18

Special Scargill Cleansing Souvenir Issue!

With the announcement of a large ill equipped and poorly led force of Orks invading the Scargill Sector, this issue of the Slag Valley Bullett is devoted to aiding the war effort for our brave Astra Militarum recruits killing the heathen xenos on our behalf.

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Slag Valley Bullett #17

Rouboutte Gullimann Destroyed!

By Semper Excreedius (acting Editor)
Following it's attempted desecration and subsequent relocation Slag Valley Bullett #14 The Emperor's Thumb was once again the focus of a conflict, this time loyal guardsmen from the Krablokistan 47th and 420th Suhnnydayl Shithawks battled what at first seemed to be Ultramarines led by their famous Primarch. Despite seemingly attacking one of the Imperium's greatest heroes, the Astra Militarum followed their orders and defeated the Ultramarine force intent on capturing 'The Emperor's Thumb'. During the exchange what was at first believed to be Rouboute Gullimann was killed by sustained battlecannon fire. After the battle it was accertained that it was not Gullimann but a cybernetic replicant of the Primarch and by that reasoning the Ultramarines were renegades intent on theft. Commander Ursakar Creed who was leading the 420th stated "The foul copy of our glorious Primarch is decommissioned! Long live the 420th! Cadia stands! Go on ya good ting!".

The Cloud of smoke denotes a non human aspect of Gullimann.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Slag Valley Bullett #16

Two Separate Xenos Invasions Thwarted!

By Spatch Puberty
In what seemed like a conspiracy of xenos evil two alien forces attacked a garrison on sleepy backwater planet Killa La' Neck in the Cyavunnh system twice in the one lunar cycle! The Krablokistan 47th infantry regiment aided by the Krablokistan 27th motorised armour division defeated a force of Tau shortly before being assailed by Tyranids. Many guardsmen were severely injured during the first attack but in what is a customary show of grit and endurance, the entire force managed to make it back into the field as soon as the second xenos force arrived. Thankfully, the Imperium's not-quite-finest won the day putting many alien life forms into a more passive state.

The brave soldiers of The Krablokistan 47th regiment battle foul xenos.

Slag Valley Bullett #21

Caryatid Assassin 'On Loose'. Reports are coming in of an unaffiliated Caryatid in the Lower Skunkton hab ar...