Saturday, July 4, 2020

Slag Valley Bullett #19

Mass Prison Breakout

By Spatch Puberty
Warrior Woman,Ox Fingers,Rocket Girl,Hero & Wheels.

Animal, Schaeffer, Shiv. Demolition Man, Brains & Scope.
 Military personnel have escaped from the infamous Niem Vat military prison raising embarrassing questions within the Planetary Defense Force leadership. A source close to the PDF office has stated that "At 19:72 hours a crack commando unit was sent to prison for a crime they claim they didn't commit. These men (and women) promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade and are believed to have reached the Lost Angles underground sewage network". The group were incarcerated for a variety of crimes from property damage to willfully discharging live ammunition at  targets feet. Incorrect stowing of Departmentum equipment has also been mentioned. The group all use pseudonyms all bar their leader Colonel Hannibal Schaeffer. The group is thought to be armed and extremely dangerous. The group is thought to have received assistance from the an unknown source. A statement from a Planetary Defence Force spokesman Murgo Plonmpqvist had this to say regarding the breakout "In my day, we dint let our criminals escape from the military, oh no! Hanging for first offence led to a 0% recidivism rate. Damn recidivists, giving the PDF a bad name". In an attempt by Imperial codifiers to adequately process the breakout status and subsequent captures the escapees have been assigned the code-name Team 'A'.


Catachan Brainleaf Causes Slave Blockage.

By Pastor Pyranium Devout
Confusion reigned last week in the express lane of the Cripplefeg Packslave Highway when several
A Catachan Brainlesf.
slave caravans were halted due to a mature Catachan Brainleaf infestation. The incident occurred at the Blargo Felles interchange and several dozen Guilder assets were compromised. It is believed that a temporary Brainleaf colony was formed when eight pack slaves were taken under the thrall of the xenos plant. Adeptus Sanitorum staff were called to the scene and after a brief skirmish both the plant-life and their victims were rendered non threatening. It is believed that one or more enthralled slaves may have wandered away from the main group to propagate in other parts of the hive. Officials have warned citizens to remain vigilant and report any one acting strangely with spiked leaves attached to their central nervous system. 


Turdcrabs Loose In The Underhive

By Cuckold Stranglethorpe IV
Alarming reports coming in from Rat Warren are that a number of Turdcrabs are roaming around in what underhivers loosely call the  sewage system. The creatures are named after a failed sewage treatment attempt from the 40th millennium. It is not entirely clear how three adult Turdcrabs came to be running amok around the settlement. Gaxwell Shart, former Imperial Guardsman and now Adeptus Sanitarum employee has offered the following explanation; "It's those dopey uphivers. They buy baby Turdcrabs as pets and then when they can't stand getting bit by them anymore they flush them down the solids pipe that's supposed to mush them before they go to the effluent reclamation factory. Only they don't always git mushed properly and some of the pipes ave bleedin' great 'oles in 'em and they end up down 'ere". A reward has been offered for capture/elimination of the creatures. It is not believed that dozens of armed amateur big game hunters will have any detrimental effect on the surrounding area of Rat Warren.


New Excavation Drill Commissioned.

By Bespoke Kitchens
Excavitor9000
In an attempt to create jobs and enlarge several domes, Shcubert Vile proprietor of Vile Foodstuffs has obtained a high torque Excavitor900 underground drill. A spokesman for Vile Foodstuffs has declared that the drilling will commence once a permit has been received from local Adeptus Administratum officials and the drilling will enable Vile Foodstuffs to expand into new areas of food procurement. It is thought that the drill will be able to ascertain for certain whether there really is a nest of sump behemoths  situated many kilometres below the underhive or if it is just a drunken prospector fable.  



Yellow Genestealers 'Not A Threat'.

By Semper Excreedius (acting Editor)
Evidence?
A recent independently published study has found that Yellow Purestrain Genestealers (xenos ovipostum insertum) are no more than a fictitious old wives tale that is not based on any factual evidence. Etyloca Dirbyh  of the Xenologica Benvolentia Society. The 400 page dataslate goes on to dispute that there is any proof that Genestealers (yellow or otherwise) actual pose a threat to mankind in any way. Our own resident Xenos expert and acting editor Semper Excreedius has stated that the so-called Genestealer threat is nothing more than a pre-juve story to instill fear and obedience into otherwise willful and delinquent human offspring. When asked about the pictorial data, Etyloca Dirbyh stated the images were fakes and in all probability created and distributed by hostile alien races such as Tau or Aeldari.


Large Posse formed To Apprehend Team 'A'

By Ludeley Stange
The posse contains many 'ecclectic' individuals.
STOP PRESS! News just received that following news that a large reward has been offered to return errant PDF escapees (this issue). Further developments have seen a large posse has been formed to catch the former soldiery. Overseeing the operation is Colonel Doderick Recker who is believed to be emotionally invested with Hannibal Scheaffer's recapture. This reporter was able to interview several participants of the posse including local ratskin scout Rad Dog Choking. He states that "Chief Recker wants me to find 'Team A'. 'Team A' doesn't want to be found. If these heavy footed fools allow me to track them into the Badlands without shooting even quarter hour them maybe we find them, if not I will collect my tracker fee and go home". Another member of the posse Grubert Volespittle a retired servitor washer had this to say "We'll catch them deserters an' get a nice big finders fee. No bother at all. There's 100 creds bounty on them an' another  1000 for Schaeffer hisself, easy money". The story of 'Team A' may run for some time yet.    



Classified; For  sale, due to an overstocked warehouse military grade anti-plant grenades must be sold at very competitive prices. Also a large quantity of left handed bayonets have also been sourced. Contact Derp Spiv, Five Exits Plaza, Slag Valley. 

For sale; Unopened cargo containers without serial numbers for immediate distribution. Any offer considered, contact Mastrap Bogol, Bogol Traders, Contaminant Lane, Fornication Gulch.


Product recall; A large consignment of felynx meat is thought to have been slightly contaminated with plutonium hydroxilate in a factory labeling error. If you have recently bought felynx meat from Zammu's Happy Canned Felynx between 24th-63rd Marred then return product to the supplier; Zammu's Happy Canned Felynx Ltd, 33 Sludge Boulevard, Slag Valley. 

2 comments:

  1. Nicely done as always. Good to read the news from distant and colorful systems like Slag Valley. :) Thank you!

    ReplyDelete

Slag Valley Bullett #21

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