Monday, December 14, 2020

Slag Valley Bullett #20

Abhuman Pit Fighter Causes Moral Dilemma

By Cuckold Stranglethorpe IV
Fans of the arena fights around Golgan's Pit are facing something of a moral quandary as a Squat newcomer is causing mixed feelings amongst spectators. The rookie fighter; Skargii "Grey" Headwallop has caused quite a stir since arriving in Bnoxxi Halfarm's fighting stable. Halfarm has be quoted as saying "Skargii's a good lad, eager to learn and has a great temperament. We had a bit of aggro with some spectators with anti Squat signs but after he accidentally decapitated a sign holder whilst signing autographs there seems to be fewer protests.". His recent bout against the much fancied Torgol Hammerknuckle ended in a TKO when Hammerknuckle failed to leave his corner when he could no longer field his arm.

Skargii Headwallop
  Skargii has been making a big impression with his unusual choice of weapons (a pair of Catachan Morphcat claws) and complete lack of cybernetics. When talking to spectators regarding Skargii's abhumanism at a recent match Potentic Xerg (local gambler) has stated "Sure enough, Headwallop's a damned dirty abhuman and goes against nature and such, but Throne bless 'im I made 70 credits on his last fight, so I'm willing to support 'im so long as he makes me plenty of money. Of course, if he starts growing tentacles or summit, I might 'ave to withdraw me patronage.". So it seems Skargii Headwallop has, for now a promising career in the field of Sports Dismemberment.


New Plascrete Building Suffers From Dust Fatigue.

By Spatch Puberty
Regulatory Investigators at the Palace of Wonders
The newly constructed guilder store called Blas Disconfromation's Palace of Wonders has been closed due to an outbreak of suspected Dust Fatigue. A two metre section of the rear wall simply dissolved in the building in Chylamidia Canyon. Local Goliath building contractor Slamp Anabaloid who constructed the building has been quoted saying "Yea, it's very rare but on occasion plascrete can lose it's solidity. It's the fault of those lazy Ratskin labourers not mixing the chemicals in the auto constructor, I'm sure!". When Disconfromation was asked was there anything of value in the store at the time he was not available for comment. An elite buildings compliance and regulatory squad have been sent to investigate. Locals in the area are concerned that similar damage may occur to their abodes. One such bystander, Tropical Slume has claimed that his home has started deteriorating at a rapid rate, similar to the Palace of Wonders. When the contractor was interviewed about this possibility he stated "It's highly unlikely to happen to this place as he has no valuabl - er we fired the ratskins and got more dependable ones to make his domicile". 

Trade Delegation Xenos Diversity Storm

By Bespoke Kitchens
Transome XXVII group
A bitter row has broken out between two separate trade delegations over which group is more culturally diverse. Necromunda's Hive Primus had been chosen as a suitably neutral venue for the talks between inhabitants of Transome XXVII of the Okapi system and neighbouring Gwampasole Minor traders. The talks were originally meant to encompass the transport and tariffs  of goods between the two planets but trouble started when both groups had attending indigenous xenos. Both groups claimed that their group was more culturally diverse and sought favourable trade concessions from the other.  
Gwampasole Minor delegation.
The Transome XXVII spokesperson Klucksy Morimori went on record to say "We came here to forge a lasting trade agreement between our delegations but aspersions were cast on our inclusive nature. Why, we have brought xenos Sklurd representative, a cybernetically enhanced semi sentient canid, and a member of the AdMech separatist movement as well as my wife. I literally couldn't be any more inclusive!". 
The Gwampasole Minor spokesperson also issued a statement "The Transomites are deliberately trying to undermine our credentials as an all accepting progressive trading system with all this nonsense about their so called all consenting attitude to their populace. Along with our traditional human delegates we have brought a Balancing Monk and a member of the xenos Alliance of Human Consumption. We surely are more inclusive!".
When a representative of Lord Helmawr's privy counsel was interviewed the following statement was read "Anymore codswallop about who is more 'right-on' will in all likelihood result in an Inquisitorial audit or a bout of edification from the Death Watch, either way it could get very messy". The talks continue.


Soylent Mauve PDF Crew Of The Lunar Cycle Award

By Ludley Stange
In a largely unadvertised competition, a visiting group of Astra Militarum auxiliaries have won the Soylent Mauve PDF Crew Of The Lunar Cycle Award. Spokesperson for Soylent Mauve; Vux Winbatter has stated that the competition was open to all members of the Planetary Defence Force but due to the current overtime ban and munitions rationing there were fewer than expected entries. A team from the D'Keddes  27th auxilary regiment scored highly in the endurance and deprivation rounds.  A shocking display of ferocity in the hand to hand combat round  enabled the D'Keddians to win despite a barely average shooting score.

D'Keddes Auxiliaries
After awarding the team a years supply of Soylent Mauve, Gorlakk Zarrr CEO of the company announced plans to expand his foodstuffs distribution into other nearby systems. Zarrr has long been interested in creating a multi-system  trading concern that can unify planetary systems under the all encompassing aegis of affordable nutrition with only marginal side effects.


Motor Pool Syndicate Nearly Wins Lottery

By Crippet Toe
The motor pool syndicate
There was consternation in the maintenance department of Gussert's Motorised Delivery service when they mistakenly heard they had won the Underhive lottery. The trio, do not wish to be named were under the impression they had won the lottery when their numbers were broadcast over the public vid-terminals.  When they arrived at the lottery headquarters they were informed that the numbers had been broadcast in error and were likely caused by a servitor database collapse.
This is thought to be the sixth time lottery numbers have been erroneously transmitted since it's commencement and amazingly the jackpot has not yet been won since it's start (SVB #5).  When questioned by this reporter a spokesman for Schubert Vile, of Vile Foodstuffs; sponsor of the underhive lottery stated "There is no evidence to warrant reports of wrongdoing within the lottery organisation. Yes, errors have occurred - servitor errors of course - that have led to civilians mistakenly believing they have won. This is unfortunate. However, it is only a matter of time before the jackpot (or even some of the lower prizes) are won, and hopefully your publication will be quick to report that as well.". The jackpot now stands at an estimated 120,000 credits with no actual winners ever. 


Classified; 

For hire, soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them....maybe you can hire Team 'A'. If you have difficulty find us then leave your contact details under the third toxic drum in the back alley of Clandestine Parade, Lost Angles.

The Church of Unreciprocated Charity is looking for volunteers to assist in the spreading of the word of Pastor Manxx, this will undoubtedly give you preferential treatment in the afterlife once the stipulated tithes to the church have been received. For further details contact Brother Contribution, Church of Unreciprocated Charity, Zealotry Avenue, Scourgefields.


Do you have too few arms for the work you need to achieve? Here at Radical Transformation we can provide extra biological limbs to suit your work needs. For a confidential consultation contact Crasker Druchmelson, Radtrans House, Anomaly Parade, Slag Valley.

2 comments:

  1. Sweet! The Transome XXVII and Gwampasole Minor delegations particularly tickle me. :) I feel certain Slag Valley is a place worth visiting.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The newly formed Slag Valley Tourism Committee would welcome a visit from citizens from the Tarterous Rim. Sadly the Administratum does not welcome frivolous interplanetary lollygagging so it is unlikely the required permits will be forthcoming.
    Regards
    Zhim Khaom (secretary of the Slag Valley Tourism committee)

    ReplyDelete

Slag Valley Bullett #21

Caryatid Assassin 'On Loose'. Reports are coming in of an unaffiliated Caryatid in the Lower Skunkton hab ar...