Saturday, December 25, 2021

Slag Valley Bullett #21

Caryatid Assassin 'On Loose'.

Reports are coming in of an unaffiliated Caryatid in the Lower Skunkton hab area going around shooting prominent members of the Underhive. As these native hive dwellers are invariably known to be peaceful, there is much debate as to whether the security camera footage is reliable or indeed if the being filmed is actually a Caryatid at all. Alleged victims of the diminutive winged possible murderer include, Sepsis Mulgoon proprietor of the Carpeted Anvil, a cubicle renovation business, and Turpiscicord Kakk, semi retired axe thrower and bassoon turner.  Local wildlife expert Beardie Specs does not believe that an errant Caryatid is to blame. "These wonderful creatures are peaceful and rarely even hiss at people. I suspect either some sort of small mutant is responsible, or even a mind control device is being used on it.". One thing is certain, until the being on the footage is apprehended, there will be more media hype leading to hysteria and innocent creatures being shot. 



Small Adolescent Humans Sighted.

A rare sighting of adolescent humans not part of paramilitary groups have been observed  in the Knife Lane area of Slag Valley. One possible explanation is these unaffiliated juves are are part of a rebellious sub culture that rejects traditional behavior in favour of an outlandish 'peaceful' appearance. One local non-specified gender bystander has offered another explanation. Zipf Glone, self proclaimed historical expert has claimed the two small humans could be members of the G'Bustard family who claimed to have cryogenic apparatus  that would enable their offspring to 'ride out' the plague of heresy that was consuming the underhive some 150 Terran orbits ago. As there is no evidence to support either hypothesis. Arbites have issued a non communication order on the two subjects, punishable by 8 Terran orbits hard labour. A spokesperson for the local Adminstratum office has said "It is thought that this problem will go away of it's own accord.".


Alien Pet Smugglers Apprehended.


A source within the Arbites janitorial contracting service has confirmed that an undercover operation has led to the arrest (and probable execution) of a sophisticated alien pet smuggling ring. According to some unencrypted data slates a significant number of negligable threat level xenos creatures have been seized at the end of a painstakingly long investigation into 'furtive behavior'.

A human and an non human were captured in a derelict warehouse that was once thought to be an illegal replacement gland harvesting gang headquarters but on further examination was discovered to be a holding facility for illegally smuggled lifeforms. There were several highly valuable alien beasts such as the Marbled Twonk, the Indolent Snapper and the Feathered Grumswime. The animals were probably set to be rehoused in affluent hivers domiciles for purposes unknown. When approached by our reporter about the fate of these trafficked creatures desk sergeant Blokk informed us there was no need to worry as all illegal organisms would be slaughtered as a warning to other creatures attempting to enter the underhive without permission.


 Terry Fuddip; Adventures in Space Part One

By Private Terry Fuddip
Greetings SVB readers! Following my Astra Militarum scholarship win (SVB #18) myself and the other 10,000 or so winners were shuttled up to the Hammer Of Obstinance that was to be our home for the next few unstipulated time periods. As Commissar Moody remained on Necromunda, our new moral guide was introduced Commissar Graper. He assured us on the first day that we were very lucky to have won such a prestigious prize and that The Emperor will be watching us from Terra, so no nicking each other's stuff. There was a 3% attrition rate during training, which I'm told is acceptable but below the Adeptus Administratum average. Commissar Graper has stated this might show a lack of 'gumption' so he will be paying closer attention on our regular bayonet drills. 

We have received word that our destination is Chapstick VII, we have been given brochures and it looks very civil, there appears to be some conflict with some indigenous species of primitive reptile or something but Commissar Graper assures us that with a positive mental attitude and a good sharp bayonet we will save the defenceless civilians in a couple of days. Sergeant Dogg also said that there isn't anything like a grateful civilian that's just been saved from certain xenos interferrance. It's quite a doddle to  reap the rewards of their appreciation. 

Upon arriving on Chapstick VII we were deployed around the sparsely inhabited area of the Cordasil jungle. Our barracks. is a cheery place but I'm still finding the constant chirriping of the pee hole ants a bit annoying. On our first patrol we arrived at an old watch tower and we found some anti human graffitti on the structure. It read "HAIRLESS APES EAT GROX DUNG!". This is troubling but Sergeant Dogg says stringing up a few natives will send a message to the miscreants. I have to sign off now as this message is going back to base so as I can get extra corpse starch rations, Next time I will tell you about civilising the xenos. So until then keep reading the SVB for all your informational needs.




Nan-O-Bot Threatens Employment.

Eccentric inventor Jobs Dysson has unveiled his latest creation. The Nan-O-Bot is a programmable mechanized device that can fulfil the duties of domestic offspring carer and bodyguard for valuable immature assets.  The Nan-O-Bot or NOB is advertised as a semi sentient guard/carer for the dynamic mid salaried hivers. Boasting a concealed stormbolter and taser rifle, the defensive capabilities of this unit is formidable. Couple with the Monowheel-O-Pram with inbuilt shielding, smoke launchers and screamer mines it is a great deterrent for would be kidnappers.  Dysson is so confident of his creations abilities he has stated he will send the Nan-O-Bot with a Monowheel-O-Pram containing one of his cloned offspring, down to the underhive settlement of Rat Warren for 36 hours.




Classifieds; Is your mechanical apparatus misbehaving? Can't afford a visit to the Adeptus Mechanicus Store? Visit us for second hand machine spirits, all sizes. Good rates. Contact; Derp Spiv, Five Exits Plaza, Slag Valley.

PersonalsLonely Spyre Hunter seeks similar for lasting relationship and horrific murders of underhive inhabitants. Contact; Xonder Von Dettol, Sinister Boulevard, Isolation Hill. 

2 comments:

  1. Dear editor, another great edition of the SVB. Looking forward to the news from Chapstick VII.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you citizen Cato, we are delighted to have such a distinguished reader who must surely be a sibling of Cato Sicarius of the Ultramarines. We will surely be updating the Chapstick VII campaign as soon as the next communicate is received.

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Slag Valley Bullett #21

Caryatid Assassin 'On Loose'. Reports are coming in of an unaffiliated Caryatid in the Lower Skunkton hab ar...